Divorce does not mean you are a Failure

Recent research by a dating site www.fifties.com has revealed that 60% of people who went through divorce at 50+ said that the feeling of failure was the most difficult thing to come to terms with.  

This figure astounded me.  At a time when approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce why should you feel that you have failed?  Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not a failure because you are divorced.  

So your marriage didn’t work out.  It’s not all your fault; after all it takes two to tango!  It is rarely the fault of one person when a relationship breaks down.  Something changed.  You fell out of love, you realised there was more to life, maybe you had both changed over the years.  Sometimes one partner leaves and the other had no idea there was anything wrong with the marriage, that partner is often devastated and becomes bitter and angry, not acknowledging that they have done anything to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage.  Sometimes one partner really is completely blameless, if that is the case then you are better off without someone who does not value you. 

Feeling like a failure will stop you from moving on.  Ask yourself why you feel like this.  Were you 100% to blame?  What is about the marriage ending that makes you feel you have failed?  Is it rational to feel like a failure?

Instead of feeling like a failure make a decision to put it down to experience.  Put it behind you and start living again.  In NLP terms ‘there is no failure, only feedback’ so what did you learn.  What frustrated you about being married?  What would you like to have done differently?  Did you give up dreams, aspirations, hobbies?  We often sacrifice things when we get married and start a family.  What could you do now that you couldn’t do when you were married?

So, stop feeling that you have failed and start living again.

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3 Comments

Filed under Divorce, positive thinking, Post Divorce, self-esteem

3 responses to “Divorce does not mean you are a Failure

  1. srabonicu

    Nice spirit.

  2. Madalyn

    Everyone has different value system. If you place high moral value on the commitment of marriage; if you see it as a spiritual commitment, you don’t just flippantly pass it off.

    If find your attitude cavalier and insensitive. I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way. But to tell people to just “stop feeling that way” is incredibly dismissive. Divorce is a loss. There is a grief process involved. There is no right way or specified time limit on how it should be carried out and or how long it should take.

    And to use the fact that 50% of marriages fail, to tell people it’s no big deal, I don’t know, I find it nothing short of appalling.

    • I’m sorry you find my attitude insensitve and appalling. I don’t mean to be dismissive and I’m not saying you shouldn’t spend time grieving for your relationship but dwelling on the past is not helpful in the long run and does stop you from moving on. I don’t think anyone should ‘flippantly pass off’ a relationship that has gone wrong but I do think you should learn any lessons that can be learned and move on with your life and I don’t think you should feel like a failure.

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