Guest Post – Divorcing an Abuser: 4 Truths to Heal, Trust, and Love Again

By Alexis Bonari

Divorce is an inherently messy process.  Leaving an abusive relationship is even more emotionally complicated than the average divorce.  Trust in relationships, your ability to protect yourself, your choice in mates, and in the opposite sex is all compromised.  The four following suggestions are designed to help you move on from the trauma of an abusive relationship:

1. Soul-search

When any relationship ends, it’s natural to question yourself and your role in the relationship.  Realize that nobody deserves to be abused, emotionally or physically.

Unfortunately, if you don’t allow yourself to think about the circumstances that lead you to choose an abusive partner, you risk choosing another abuser in the future.  People who abuse their spouse or partner tend to gravitate to those who will tolerate their behaviors.  Ask yourself which behaviors were warning signs early in the relationship and look for those in future relationships.

2. Seek help

Going to a therapist can help you learn positive relationship skills and to recover your self-confidence.  Often, victims of abuse have their sense of self worth so completely eroded that they can’t imagine themselves forming another successful relationship.  This mindset leaves them open to future abusive partners.

3. It’s “ok” to be angry

Most people haven’t had to work through the type of anger that an abusive relationship can generate.   Anger has a way of staying around. It shows up when you least expect it, and often refuses to leave.

The solution: give yourself permission to be angry.  Realize what you’re angry about, and learn to express it in non-destructive ways.  Ignoring your anger at what happened to you, at your former spouse, at men/women in general, can result in the anger becoming a permanent state of being.  Working through it over time allows you to let go of the anger, and you can rebuild your life.

4. Learn to trust yourself

Once you’ve determined what the warning signs for abusive relationships are, you are much less likely to choose an abusive partner in the future.  Trust yourself to be able to form healthy relationships and open your mind to finding a new partner or spouse.

It is possible to rebuild your life.  Giving yourself time to grieve and heal is the key to finding future happiness.

Bio: Alexis Bonari is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at and performs research surrounding online colleges and education. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

1 Comment

Filed under Divorce, positive thinking, Post Divorce, self-esteem

One response to “Guest Post – Divorcing an Abuser: 4 Truths to Heal, Trust, and Love Again

  1. It is no doubt that if a certain relationship has no chance for reconciliation, it would be better for both parties to move on. One must prepare himself or herself on how to divorce instead of fearing it. Although, it should be the last thing a married couple must think inside a relationship.

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