Tag Archives: Confidence

Guest Post: 8 Tips for Life After Divorce

Whether you’ve been married for one year, ten years or even fifty years, if your marriage ends in divorce then chances are you will be facing one of the most difficult, challenging times of your adult life. Divorce often leaves everyone involved struggling with a range of emotions and issues. Perhaps you are elated that you are finally free of your spouse, however, your parents are angry at you that your marriage has failed. Maybe you feel a deep sense of loss and have fears for the future – what about the house, the kids and your finances?

No matter how divorce has affected you, here are eight tips to help improve your life after divorce:

1.  Evaluate Your Finances

Few married couples have maintained complete autonomy when it comes to their finances; most share bank accounts, credit cards, assets, loans and mortgages. When the marriage ends make figuring out your finances a priority because, until you do, you will not be able to move on with your life.

2.  Let Yourself Grieve

When you said your wedding vows, chances are good you believed you’d be married for the rest of your life (most people do). The loss of your marriage can be one of the most profound losses you will ever experience in your life, even if the marriage wasn’t a great one. Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, and upset – just don’t get stuck in these feelings.

3.  Let Go Of Guilt

Many people are burdened by guilt following their divorce; they feel like they are failures, that they should have done more to save their marriage. If you did something that clearly led to the breakdown of the marriage (such as had an affair) then that guilt may be justified, however, feeling guilty all the time can leave you drowning in negative thoughts and feelings. Work to identify why you feel guilty then take steps to resolve any outstanding issues, ensuring that you learn from your past mistakes.

4.  Seek Support

Finding a reliable support network is key to both surviving your divorce and establishing your new identity as an unwed person. Formal support groups exist in many communities; check with your community center, church or local social service agency. You can also join an online community where you can connect with others who have similar circumstances to yours. For some people, their separation leads them to re-connect with family and friends, who can often be a tremendous source of both emotional and financial support.

5.  Get To Know Yourself

One of the most common complaints people have about their marriages is the loss of their personal identity; often those who are in long-term relationships tend to identify more as a spouse and partner than an individual and in the process, they can loose sight of who they are. Take the time to reflect on your own personal values, thoughts and feelings, re-connecting with the person you were before you were married.

6.  Embrace Your Newfound Independence

Being a partner in a marriage means compromising; for many couples, that means that each spouse takes on specific roles. Perhaps you always handled the finances while your ex dealt with household repairs; maybe you’ve never vacationed overseas because your husband or wife had a fear of flying. Once divorced, you are free to handle your life however you’d like, travel where you want, spend time with people you like – enjoy.

7.  Don’t Be Afraid To Date

While it’s never advisable to jump into another serious relationship just as your marriage is ending, dating can be a great way to boost your confidence and help you see the positives of your status as a single person. If you do decide to re-enter the dating world, don’t head out looking for your next life partner on the first date; that can both scare off potential mates and strike a blow to your self-esteem.

8.  Focus On The Positive

Although divorce can be truly devastating it can also be a positive, life-changing experience. Divorce can help you realize what you might have known for a very long time – that you choose the wrong spouse, you were in an abusive relationship or you simply were not happy. Make a list of all the good things about being divorced – if you have a hard time with this, ask your support network for help. Often your family and friends are able to see positive changes that you are not yet fully aware of such as an increase in your energy levels, renewed interest in activities you enjoy and an overall happier, healthier you.

As divorce rates in the United States hover around the 50 percent mark, divorcees are no longer considered to be a minority. Many of those who are now separating and divorcing are baby boomers; part of an upward trend in the divorce rates among those who are aged 50 or older. According to a recent study by Bowling Green State University, one in four divorces now involves people born before 1962 [http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/24/living/baby-boomer-divorce/index.html] while the divorce rate for second and third marriages was over double that of first marriages. If you are one of the millions of Americans whose marriage has ended, remember that by following these eight tips, you can have a happy, full life after divorce.

Author Bio:  Jamie Cody is a writer for centernetworks.com and often writes about technology, business and various products and services like hostgator reviews.

 

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Guest Post: 5 Questions to Ask Before Dating After Divorce

Everything changes after a divorce. After months of dealing with filings, proceedings and divorce attorneys, it becomes time to determine what your next steps will be.

This is an amazing opportunity for you to pursue exactly what you want out of life. Along with your interests and career, and your relationships with friends and your children, a new romantic relationship may be something you are interested in. Before you start dating after a divorce, ask yourself these five questions.

Am I ready to date again?

It’s the most obvious question, but it’s also the most important. Your friends and family may be urging you to date again. Their remarks about how you should “get back out there” may feel like minor comments to them, but that kind of social pressure can be stressful.

It is your decision when you start dating again. You are in charge of this incredible and unique journey that is your life, so don’t hand over that decision-making power to anyone else.

Jumping back into the dating scene right after a divorce can be difficult because you are still figuring out what your new life will look like. You’ll need to assess the commitments you’re already making:

  • Commitments to your children.
  • Commitments to your family and friends.
  • Commitments to your job.

Are you ready to balance a new relationship with your other commitments? Only you will know the answer. And it may take some time to figure that out.

How are my children handling the divorce?

You may be ready to date again, but if you have children with your ex you will need to consider what is best for them as well. Whether it has been a couple of years or only a short time since your divorce, your first new relationship will be a very big change for your children.

No matter the age, it is common for children to have some hesitation when you are dating a new person. They may still harbor feelings that you and your ex will get back together. A new relationship attacks that hopeful feeling.

You can start dating again, but be cautious about how your children meet and interact with this new person. Date for a while before introducing someone to your children. If you don’t see the relationship lasting long term, you shouldn’t expose your children to adults that won’t be sticking around. If you think the relationship is going somewhere, find a safe and comfortable situation to introduce your children. Communication is key; make sure your children understand why you’re dating again, and lead conversations about how it makes them feel.

What is my relationship with my ex like?

If you still have strong feelings for your ex, you are not ready for a new relationship. Divorces can be finalized before feelings are. You might need more time, and you can also consider a healthy dose of therapy after a divorce.

To give yourself a real chance with a new relationship, your heart has to be open to the possibility of a new love. If there is any chance you’ll be saying “My ex is just like that,” or “Do you know what my ex did?” you need some more time to work things through.

Am I confident?

All of the emotions during a divorce can put you in a place where you need to rebuild happiness and confidence. Consider it a great opportunity to become the person you want to me.

Finding your confidence after a divorce is a gradual process. With effort and a positive attitude, you can find the confidence you are seeking in time.

Don’t offer your date a version of yourself that you aren’t comfortable with—wait until you feel good about where you are. When you present yourself as the confident and wonderful person that you are, you can find the confident and wonderful relationship you deserve.

Is a new romantic relationship what you need?

Before turning to a new relationship, remember the other commitments you are making that we discussed above. Is there more you want out of those commitments? Love is a big word, and it encompasses more than just romantic relationships.

Continuing to build a strong relationship with your children can provide the happiness you may have expected to come from a new relationship. Reconnecting with friends can do the same. Being single is also a great time to pursue the career opportunities you may have put on hold during your marriage.

If you are honest with yourself about the above questions and have a positive outlook on your future, you will know when it is time to date again.

Author Bio: Jack is a freelance writer based in Seattle who spends his hours hopping between an ergonomic keyboard and an old school typewriter. You can reach Jack by leaving a comment or connecting with him on Twitter.

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Filed under Confidence after Divorce, Divorce Support, Life after Divorce, New relationship after divorce, positive thinking, Post Divorce, self-esteem

Guest Post: Ways to find your confidence again after a divorce

Your divorce is not only the end of one chapter of your life, but also the beginning of another. As you close the door on your marriage, you may be experiencing feelings of rejection from your ex or worrying about how you’re going to move forward on your own. Take the time to find your confidence again. That attractive, confident, funny and lighthearted person is still there. You might just have to make a few changes to regain that side of yourself.

Reach out to friends

Although you’ll probably want some time to yourself after your divorce, be sure to reach out to your friends during this time. Surround yourself with people you enjoy and, if you need or want to, some new friends as well. Ask your existing friends to make introductions start an activity, like going to a yoga class or attending a class at a community center, to meet new people. Have a few close friends you can talk with about your difficulties after a divorce, but try to keep things positive with most of your friends. Above all, you want to feel like you have a normal life again.

Re-evaluate your look

You may have paid less attention to your appearance while you were married, especially in the midst of a divorce. Now is the time to be real about what you look like and make any changes you feel you need. Maybe your wardrobe hasn’t been updated in a few years; if so, some new clothes can make you look and feel great. A little nip and tuck can help you regain your confidence as well. Consider a non-invasive facelift to help you feel more like yourself. No matter the changes you make, focus on highlighting who you are, not changing and trying to be someone else.

List the positives

Sometimes getting your confidence back is as simple as remembering what you like about yourself. After hearing exaggerations of your negative characteristics from your ex, it can be hard to remember you’re a wonderful person. Take the time to make a list of what you enjoy about yourself. If you want, you can even ask friends what they would add to the list. Reminding yourself about your good qualities on a regular basis can help boost your self-esteem during a difficult time.

Start dating again

Dating isn’t something to jump into right away, but often going on a few dates can help you regain your confidence. You’ll get to meet some interesting people, get out your jitters and maybe even find someone you really connect with, even if you don’t feel ready for a relationship just yet. Dating is also a great way to get out and enjoy the attractions your city has to offer.

Regaining your confidence after going through a divorce isn’t something that happens immediately for everyone, but focusing your attention in some key areas can help speed up the process. The most important thing to remember is that you aren’t defined by your divorce. You’re a unique, interesting person with friends, hobbies, passions and a life of your own.

Author Bio: Felicia Baratz is a freelance writer and graphic designer living in Indianapolis, IN. As a contributor to eatbreatheblog.com, she touches on green innovations and practices like green moving and transportation.

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Guest Post: Building up your self-confidence after a divorce

Building up your self-confidence after a divorce can be a formidable challenge but if you face it head on and work through it you’re going to do just fine. Take time for yourself and let the healing begin by following these easy steps to build up your self-confidence.

Forgive yourself

Forgiving oneself for a divorce is often a difficult task but it can be done. Remember that unless you forgive yourself you can’t move on with your life. Learn from your mistakes. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget, it simply means you let go of the pain and anger. Forgive yourself for any wrongs you have done in the relationship and vow never again to make the same mistakes.

Forgive your ex

No, that doesn’t mean your ex was right, it simply means you let go of the pain and anger and move on with your life. If you were cheated on, stop laying blame and let go of it. You don’t want a cheater anyway – you want someone you can trust. There is someone better in store for you in your life and when the time is right you’ll find them.

Move forward

Don’t live in the past. Move forward with your life. This is your time. Take this opportunity to go back to school, move to a new area or start a new career. Start your life over and create a new life with new memories. Do what’s best for you and don’t worry about what others think. It’s not their life, it’s your life and you deserve to live it just like you want to.

Talk with family and friends

You’re going to lose some friends and gain some friends through this divorce. Talk with those who care about you and let go of those who are judgmental and tell you how wrong you were. Get close to your good friends and family members who can help you or have been in a similar situation. Don’t worry about what your great aunt thinks or someone who doesn’t know you well, it’s not really their business, it’s yours and you are the one that must live your life.

Don’t be afraid to seek Counselling

Even the most planned divorce can cause undue emotional pain and trauma. If you’re finding yourself sinking into a depression, seek counselling and get yourself back on track. Everyone needs a little bit of help sometimes and there is no shame in getting this help.

Get up, get out and get moving

Don’t sit around bemoaning your situation, this is the perfect opportunity to start a new hobby or exercise class. You’ll make new friends and start living life again. Step out of your comfort zone and just do it. The first few times will seem awkward but before you know it you’ll be making new friends and having a great time.

Make new memories

Along with that new hobby, job or craft you’ll find yourself making new memories. Enjoy them and treasure them. In time your new memories will take over your pain and sorrow. You’ll look back and wonder what took you so long to start your life over or get rid of that ex of yours.

Building self-confidence takes baby steps. Each time you step out of your comfort zone you’re moving a step forward.

Author Bio:  Lynn works as a dating adviser for Lovestruck Hong Kong. Lynn has learned a lot about advising expats on the cultural differences when dating in Hong Kong for over 5 years and as learn a lot about her own relationships on the way.

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Guest Post: 5 Important Reminders after Divorce

A divorce is never an easy thing. Your marriage was supposed to last forever, but it did not. Your mate was supposed to love you and stay with you, but they did not. It is heartbreaking and devastating and demoralizing.

There are many common traps people fall into after divorce. They think they will never be loved or love anyone else ever again. They think their life is over. They think they are ugly or unlovable. They think that there is something wrong with them that can never be resolved. All these thoughts are not healthy. Not only do they offer nothing to build you up, but the repetitive and degrading nature tears you down further and further until you feel like dirt.

Do not let yourself get to this point. There are five things you need to remind yourself of every time negative thoughts enter your mind.

  1. You are worth loving – You are. You are a unique individual that gives something special to the world. There is no one in the world like you and there never was and there never will be. You are special. And you are worth loving.
  2.  You are loved – Someone out there loves you. Your friends, your family, your children, your dog, heck, even your secret admirer. You are not alone. There are people out there willing to help, if only you will allow them in. Do not push others away during this difficult time. Allow yourself to be loved.
  3.  You may not be perfect, but you can be better – I am not saying you did nothing wrong in your marriage. I am not saying it was or was not your fault. Just remember, you can always change. No matter what you think is wrong with you; you can get help and become better. Do not think there is no hope for you.
  4. This is not the end –Your life is not over. You have things to live for. Things beyond your marriage. Just because you are no longer married does not mean you no longer have a life to live. No matter what age you are, you still have something to give to the world. Do not waste your talents and abilities feeling sorry for yourself. This is not the end, it is just another place to start.
  5. You will find love again –Whether you think so or not at this point, you will find love again. It may not be the love of another life partner, but it will be love. You will love your job, love to travel, love your pets or kids. Or, maybe, with an open mind and a healed heart, you may indeed find a new mate. The right mate. The one that will stay forever. And that is worth hoping for.

Right now, you hurt. You have reason to. But understand that the hurt will not last forever. It is cliché, but time does heal all wounds. Do not let self-pity ruin any more of your life. Take the reins and live. Divorce is not the end of the world, no matter what it feels like right now.

Author  Byline:   Monta, the mother of three children, serves as an Expert Advisor on multiple household help issues to many Organizations and groups, and is a mentor for other “Mom-preneurs” seeking guidance.  She is a regular contributor of “find nannies”.  You can get in touch with her at montafleming6Atgmail dotcom.

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Guest Post: How to rebuild your personality, post-divorce

It might sound a bit dramatic but relationships unavoidably absorb and alter bits of your personality. Even the strongest of us have our tastes and opinions moulded by people we’ve been close to.  Then, when you get divorced your friends and family are giving you advice about what to do next and what a horrible person your ex is.  The best place to go for relationship advice is to someone who is impartial.  Recovering from divorce is emotional and stressful and it can be hard to tell up from down, let alone which aspects of your life are truly yours.

Reconnect with your friends

This isn’t always easy. Perhaps many of your friends are still in relationships or building their family lives. You may’ve become isolated from your social group, for one reason or another, during your relationship. If you feel awkward about reaching out again, admit it; yes, you regret losing touch with your friends, and doing so may even be part of why your marriage didn’t work out, but you deeply regret the mistake and don’t want to repeat it. Good friends will support you, remind you who you are and what you’re about, while anyone who doesn’t may be best left behind.

Rediscover music you used to enjoy when single

Music, like scent, can resurrect a whole set of emotions with a few opening notes, and very easily attaches itself to eras and certain people. There might be some music you love that reminds you too strongly of your ex to bear listening to. Over time, the association will dwindle and you’ll be able to enjoy it again. In the meantime, stick to music that you’ve always enjoyed independently from your marriage. My favourite is New Order, who I started listening to as a teenager and which never became associated with one particular person or episode in my life.

Take yourself out on dates

You’ll get a lot of advice to avoid being alone too much after your divorce, but it’s important to realise that you can enjoy your own company, and that you can treat yourself well without relying on someone else to do it. All those things you wished your ex had done for or with you – going out for meals, to the cinema, buying flowers, matching underwear, cool books – you’d be amazed how liberating it feels to do these for yourself, without feeling resentful because someone else isn’t doing it for you.

Taking yourself out to see a film, with no company, may feel a bit intrepid or gawky, but getting over that insecurity is actually one of the most confident, emotionally empowering things you can do for yourself. I found myself sitting in the cinema, giggling away to myself; it was actually more fun than going with someone else, and feeling affected by whether or not they were laughing too. It’s certainly important to spend time with friends and family after a break up, but you’re good company too – remind yourself of that every now and again.

Author Bio.  Carly Morson works with Greatvine, where you can talk on the phone with, and email, the country’s best experts, whenever you need advice.  They have hand-picked leading specialists in over 100 topics – from breastfeeding and baby sleep to anxiety and depression, diet and nutrition, creative writing and even starting a business.

 

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Guest Post: 5 Things to let go of to be Happy after Divorce

No one gets married with the thought that one day that marriage will end unhappily ever after in divorce.  So when divorce strikes you, there’s no secret that it brings with it more sadness than you’ve ever felt before in your life—and even after the papers are signed, you still may feel as though you’re never going to be able to get back to your old self again.  It takes time to heal, but today is the day that you let go of your unhappiness and embrace a bright new future.  Here’s what to leave behind in order to do so:

#1:  Let go of the blame.  In an attempt to deal with your divorce, it’s easy to blame to yourself, your ex-spouse or anyone/anything else you think contributed to the final chapter of your union as husband and wife.  But in order to regain your strength, pick up the pieces and move on, you’ve got to stop pointing that finger.  No matter what caused the end of your marriage, stop blaming and start taking responsibility for your own life.  That’s the only thing that you have control over so all you can do is try to improve upon yourself so that you don’t make the same mistakes again.

#2:  Let go of the past.  Of course, this is a difficult step when your past looks so much better than what lies ahead in an undetermined future.  But wallowing in old history and sitting around crying over your wedding album is a waste of time that could be better spent actually enjoying your life.  So instead of living in a world that no longer exists and looking at your future with fear, look at it as an opportunity to make your life better than it has ever been before.  Not knowing what comes next can be thrilling—that’s what makes life an adventure!  Never take the moments you have RIGHT NOW for granted.

#3:  Let go of your excuses.  If you are doing nothing but lying around in bed all day depressed and using your divorce as an excuse for a lackluster job performance, dwindling relationships with friends and family, or why you no longer participate in activities/hobbies that once brought you joy, then it’s time to pull yourself together.  Of course it’s tough and you’re allowed some time to mourn the loss of the relationship, but you can’t let it determine your life or keep you from your path to happiness.  Stop making excuses and start living again!

#4:  Let go of your resistance to change.  When going through a divorce, your whole life is bound to change…and this change can be downright frightening.  But rather than allowing your fear (which is just an illusion created by no other but yourself) to hamper you from being happy, why not just accept the changes in your world (because you really have no other option)?  Change can be good thing—it means you are growing; go along with the flow and let it turn you into a more emotionally evolved person.

#5:  Let go of complaining.  If you walk around with a frown on your face and all you can do is complain about your divorce, you won’t open yourself up to finding happiness once more—no one is going to want to be around that.  Get rid of the negative attitude and replace it with one of a positive nature and you’ll be amazed at all the positivity you attract.  Before you know it, you’ll have fewer and fewer complaints about your divorce because you are feeling genuinely happy again.

Sabrina Jackson is a guest post author who enjoys helping newly divorced singles.  In addition, Sabrina also contributes her work to senior dating sites where she offers advice to online seniors about how to date safely on the internet.

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Filed under Divorce, Divorce Support, positive thinking, Post Divorce, self-esteem