Tag Archives: dating after divorce

Guest Post: Dating after divorce – the difficulties of that extra mile

Recovering after a divorce is often a difficult process, especially if your marriage didn’t end amicably. Having to split up your assets, change homes (or adjust to living in one alone) and find trustworthy divorce solicitors can all be stressful. But restoring your confidence in relationships and learning how to date again might seem particularly daunting.

It is important to consider when to start dating on your own terms instead of when others think you should be ready.  Once you take that step, here are some tips to help keep your new relationship in balance with the rest of your life.

Find easy ways to keep in touch. If you and your new significant other are both in the throes of full-time careers and/or still have children at home it can be a challenge to find time to build a new  relationship. The easiest way to overcome that challenge is to stay connected in ways that don’t necessarily require you to see each other in person every day. Talking on the phone, or even video calling, is a good way to stay in touch that only requires a few minutes a day. It can also be a way for you to ease back into dating again with less pressure.

Make the kids feel like a part of your relationship. If you do have young children, one of the most important steps you can take to make your new relationship easier for them is to be honest and upfront. Once you are in a committed relationship you should introduce your children to your new partner. If they have questions about you dating again help them understand how important it is to you. Try meeting on neutral ground, such as a park or a restaurant, at first so they don’t feel overwhelmed.

Have a date night once a week. Even with all the new technology available to help you keep in touch, face-to-face interaction is still an important part of any relationship. If you struggle to find time with each other starting a date night routine is a great way to remedy that. If you always know that you’re going to spend time together on the same day at the same time, it becomes easy to not plan anything else for that time.

Communicate your expectations and hopes.  Starting a new relationship should be a fun endeavor for you but it is important to have a conversation about what you would like to happen. It’s easy for spouses, after being together for a while, to just know what each other want. Learning how to be with someone new might mean that you have to talk about things that you haven’t had to in a long time. If you want to be in a committed relationship, putting that on the table can make all your other interactions with your new partner a lot easier.

Have fun.  Because why would you be dating otherwise? The beginning of any relationship should be about discovering a new person and falling in love. If you find yourself in constant anticipation or extremely happy then let yourself enjoy it. After a difficult divorce, you deserve it.

Cherrie is a freelance writer who currently specialises in writing about divorce, from finding family law solicitors to divorce forms.  You can find her on Twitter @Cherries_Scoop

 

 

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Filed under Children and divorce, Confidence after Divorce, Divorce, Divorce Support, Life after Divorce, New relationship after divorce, Post Divorce, Relationships

Guest Post: 5 Questions to Ask Before Dating After Divorce

Everything changes after a divorce. After months of dealing with filings, proceedings and divorce attorneys, it becomes time to determine what your next steps will be.

This is an amazing opportunity for you to pursue exactly what you want out of life. Along with your interests and career, and your relationships with friends and your children, a new romantic relationship may be something you are interested in. Before you start dating after a divorce, ask yourself these five questions.

Am I ready to date again?

It’s the most obvious question, but it’s also the most important. Your friends and family may be urging you to date again. Their remarks about how you should “get back out there” may feel like minor comments to them, but that kind of social pressure can be stressful.

It is your decision when you start dating again. You are in charge of this incredible and unique journey that is your life, so don’t hand over that decision-making power to anyone else.

Jumping back into the dating scene right after a divorce can be difficult because you are still figuring out what your new life will look like. You’ll need to assess the commitments you’re already making:

  • Commitments to your children.
  • Commitments to your family and friends.
  • Commitments to your job.

Are you ready to balance a new relationship with your other commitments? Only you will know the answer. And it may take some time to figure that out.

How are my children handling the divorce?

You may be ready to date again, but if you have children with your ex you will need to consider what is best for them as well. Whether it has been a couple of years or only a short time since your divorce, your first new relationship will be a very big change for your children.

No matter the age, it is common for children to have some hesitation when you are dating a new person. They may still harbor feelings that you and your ex will get back together. A new relationship attacks that hopeful feeling.

You can start dating again, but be cautious about how your children meet and interact with this new person. Date for a while before introducing someone to your children. If you don’t see the relationship lasting long term, you shouldn’t expose your children to adults that won’t be sticking around. If you think the relationship is going somewhere, find a safe and comfortable situation to introduce your children. Communication is key; make sure your children understand why you’re dating again, and lead conversations about how it makes them feel.

What is my relationship with my ex like?

If you still have strong feelings for your ex, you are not ready for a new relationship. Divorces can be finalized before feelings are. You might need more time, and you can also consider a healthy dose of therapy after a divorce.

To give yourself a real chance with a new relationship, your heart has to be open to the possibility of a new love. If there is any chance you’ll be saying “My ex is just like that,” or “Do you know what my ex did?” you need some more time to work things through.

Am I confident?

All of the emotions during a divorce can put you in a place where you need to rebuild happiness and confidence. Consider it a great opportunity to become the person you want to me.

Finding your confidence after a divorce is a gradual process. With effort and a positive attitude, you can find the confidence you are seeking in time.

Don’t offer your date a version of yourself that you aren’t comfortable with—wait until you feel good about where you are. When you present yourself as the confident and wonderful person that you are, you can find the confident and wonderful relationship you deserve.

Is a new romantic relationship what you need?

Before turning to a new relationship, remember the other commitments you are making that we discussed above. Is there more you want out of those commitments? Love is a big word, and it encompasses more than just romantic relationships.

Continuing to build a strong relationship with your children can provide the happiness you may have expected to come from a new relationship. Reconnecting with friends can do the same. Being single is also a great time to pursue the career opportunities you may have put on hold during your marriage.

If you are honest with yourself about the above questions and have a positive outlook on your future, you will know when it is time to date again.

Author Bio: Jack is a freelance writer based in Seattle who spends his hours hopping between an ergonomic keyboard and an old school typewriter. You can reach Jack by leaving a comment or connecting with him on Twitter.

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Filed under Confidence after Divorce, Divorce Support, Life after Divorce, New relationship after divorce, positive thinking, Post Divorce, self-esteem

Guest Post: Building up your self-confidence after a divorce

Building up your self-confidence after a divorce can be a formidable challenge but if you face it head on and work through it you’re going to do just fine. Take time for yourself and let the healing begin by following these easy steps to build up your self-confidence.

Forgive yourself

Forgiving oneself for a divorce is often a difficult task but it can be done. Remember that unless you forgive yourself you can’t move on with your life. Learn from your mistakes. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget, it simply means you let go of the pain and anger. Forgive yourself for any wrongs you have done in the relationship and vow never again to make the same mistakes.

Forgive your ex

No, that doesn’t mean your ex was right, it simply means you let go of the pain and anger and move on with your life. If you were cheated on, stop laying blame and let go of it. You don’t want a cheater anyway – you want someone you can trust. There is someone better in store for you in your life and when the time is right you’ll find them.

Move forward

Don’t live in the past. Move forward with your life. This is your time. Take this opportunity to go back to school, move to a new area or start a new career. Start your life over and create a new life with new memories. Do what’s best for you and don’t worry about what others think. It’s not their life, it’s your life and you deserve to live it just like you want to.

Talk with family and friends

You’re going to lose some friends and gain some friends through this divorce. Talk with those who care about you and let go of those who are judgmental and tell you how wrong you were. Get close to your good friends and family members who can help you or have been in a similar situation. Don’t worry about what your great aunt thinks or someone who doesn’t know you well, it’s not really their business, it’s yours and you are the one that must live your life.

Don’t be afraid to seek Counselling

Even the most planned divorce can cause undue emotional pain and trauma. If you’re finding yourself sinking into a depression, seek counselling and get yourself back on track. Everyone needs a little bit of help sometimes and there is no shame in getting this help.

Get up, get out and get moving

Don’t sit around bemoaning your situation, this is the perfect opportunity to start a new hobby or exercise class. You’ll make new friends and start living life again. Step out of your comfort zone and just do it. The first few times will seem awkward but before you know it you’ll be making new friends and having a great time.

Make new memories

Along with that new hobby, job or craft you’ll find yourself making new memories. Enjoy them and treasure them. In time your new memories will take over your pain and sorrow. You’ll look back and wonder what took you so long to start your life over or get rid of that ex of yours.

Building self-confidence takes baby steps. Each time you step out of your comfort zone you’re moving a step forward.

Author Bio:  Lynn works as a dating adviser for Lovestruck Hong Kong. Lynn has learned a lot about advising expats on the cultural differences when dating in Hong Kong for over 5 years and as learn a lot about her own relationships on the way.

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Filed under Confidence after Divorce, Divorce, Divorce Support, New relationship after divorce, positive thinking, Post Divorce, Relationships, self-esteem

Guest Post: 5 Ways to Tell If an Online Dating Site Is Worth the Money

With more and more single people choosing to search for companionship online instead of waiting to meet them in the real world, many different types of dating sites have appeared over the last few years. Meeting your potential mate has become more of a science and for some online dating sites, big business. Of course most of these sites do cost money, so before signing up for a dating service make sure it is worth the money you’ll invest. Here are 5 ways to make sure you’ve made a good choice.

Dating or marriage. There are all kinds of dating sites available, so the first step to choosing a site to sign up for is to decide what you are looking for, dating or marriage. There are sites that are geared more for casual dating relationships and people just looking to have fun, and others that focus more on marriage and finding that one special person. There is no point in spending money on a site where the other people on the site are looking for a different kind of relationship than you are.

Similar or different interests. Some sites try to match you with someone with the same interests; others are based on the theory that “opposites attract”. If you have been dating people who have similar interests to you and those relationships have not been what you are looking for, maybe it is time to try something new. The opposite is true as well. Whatever way you go, understanding the philosophy of a site helps you determine if it is something you are willing to invest in.

Deal breakers. What must a person have or not have for you to consider dating them? These restrictions are commonly referred to as deal breakers. It could be religion, physical attributes, political beliefs, or any other factor that would cause you to draw the line and not pursue someone. If you’re Jewish and only want to date Jewish women, then you might want to find a Jewish dating site. There is no point in signing up to meet people you would never want to date.

Free trial. Once you have what you are looking for, search out a few sites that meet your criteria and sign up for a free trial. Almost all dating sites allow you to sign up for a free test run for a few days or weeks and allow you to search their site. It will only cost you money once you decide you want to contact another person on the site. By signing up for a few, you can take some time and see what is available on each of them before you spend your money.

Matches. Once you have used the free trial on a few sites, you will most likely find that certain ones draw you to them more than others. How many “matches” or potential dates you get on the sites is a good indicator of whether you should invest in the site or not. Of course, if the site matches you with 30 people and you would not date any of them it may be time to move on.

There are great dating sites for almost any type of person out there. However, finding the right one is the first step in finding the companion you’re looking for. There is no point in wasting time and money on a site that is not going to produce the results you want. By taking the time before hand to do a little research, you can make sure your money is being well spent.

Posted with kind permission from Top Dating Sites

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Guest Post: 4 Important Tips for Online Dating

Dating has most likely changed since that last time you were out there and looking for someone. Nowadays it is more common to find your partner online and not at a bar. Online Dating is a great way to meet many people looking for the same thing you want. Once you have decided to make the jump and you are ready to start viewing your matches, there are a few things to consider:

Be prepared: Before you sign on to your online dating profile, be sure that you are ready for what is to come. People sign up for online dating websites because they are serious about finding a relationship and love. This mean you should be 100% ready and open to whatever comes from this experience. With an open heart and mind you need to also prepare for rejection, it is okay if someone doesn’t think you guys have a lot in common. Be prepared for everything!

Use good sites: Be wary of free online dating sites, these tend to attract those who may be a little less serious about finding a relationship. Using popular sites like eharmony.com or match.com can help you find what you are looking for. You will have to pay a membership fee, but it is definitely something worth paying for. These known paying sites are very good at using filters and tags to help you find someone that could be compatible for you.

Be honest: You may want to fib on your height or decide that you don’t mind smokers, but be honest with yourself. You want to be honest through and through. Don’t be afraid to state your feelings on topics and use the filters to reflect your honest feelings and beliefs. You do not want to go on a date with someone to later find out, ‘wow I shouldn’t have said I was okay with that political view’. Some people have a hard time be upfront at the start with their divorce. Be honest from start to finish.

Safety: This is something that everyone needs to keep in mind, especially females. Always practice safety when it comes to online dating. Do not share your address or your work location with someone you do not really know. Give it time before you give specific personal details. On your first or second date, plan to meet your date at the location. Choose a busy and well known location and always tell your friends or family where you are going. Go with your gut instincts, if something doesn’t feel right, listen to yourself.

And now the most important tip when it comes to online dating is to have fun! This could be a wonderful adventure for you. Your divorce doesn’t have to define you in your dating life. Good luck and get online!

Elizabeth’s Bio:  Liz just a simple lady hope that more people can live out that dream through reading her articles and thoughts about the effect of online dating. She is a regular contributor for online dating sites.

 

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Guest Post: Back on the Dating Scene Post-Divorce? How to Make Online Dating Safe

If you are single after divorce, you may have never thought that you’d be ready to date again.  But once you have recovered from the heartbreak and are back to feeling like your old self, you will find that you are ready to open yourself up to love once more.  And a great search method, especially for divorced singles, is the method of dating on the internet.  But because the web is a vast world that is made up of all sorts of people who might not have the same good intentions as you, if you don’t practice the proper safety precautions, you pose the risk of running into someone more terrifying than your ex-spouse.  Here’s how to avoid such an incident:

Share—but not too much.  The whole point of using online dating is to get to know new people in the hopes that one of them could be eligible in the form of a date, friend or even long-term relationship material.  But if you give away too much information to a possible match before you have spent a decent amount of time communicating with them to discover whether or not they are who they say they are, then you could be asking for trouble.  Be cautious of anyone who is pushing for too much detail from you in the beginning and never disclose the following until you feel secure that your new online friend is worthy of your trust:

  • Last name
  • Personal email address
  • Phone number
  • Home address
  • Business address
  • Access to your financial accounts
  • Anything else that would be identity revealing

Take things nice and slow.  Because much of the awkwardness that comes with traditional first dates is eliminated with dating online, most people are more comfortable communicating and sharing with others over the internet than in person; so often relationships move faster online.  But just because you’ve spent endless hours and many a sleepless night chatting it up with your cyber-crush doesn’t mean that you need to accelerate at warp speeds when it comes to meeting them face-to- face.  And even when that time comes, it’s imperative to continue taking things slow.  Enjoy the beginning “get-to-know-you” stages of the relationship—if there is a real connection, then there’s no need to rush it; there will be plenty of time to get to know one another on a more intimate level later.

Put safety first on your first dates.  When you’ve finally reached a point where you feel that it is an appropriate time to meet in-person with your online match, that is awesome—but you aren’t in the homestretch yet, my safe online dater.  Not to worry, though—you can still have fun; just make sure that your first date-nerves come from excitement and not from fear for your safety by keeping the following advice in mind:

  • Don’t accept a ride from your date.  While it’s a nice offer, you don’t want this person to know where you call home and you definitely don’t want to be trapped in a car with them if the date doesn’t go as planned.  Use your own ride to meet your date and be sure to let a friend know where you are going.
  • Pick a popular, public spot.  The first few dates with your online match should not be spent at their apartment or on some deserted private beach.  Choose instead a public spot and even consider making it a double/group date so that you have other people with you to ensure your comfort and safety.
  • Be aware of what is happening around you.  While that bottle of Merlot sounds mighty tempting, it’s best to skip any alcoholic drinks during these first few meetings so that you can be in complete control.  Keep an eye on your drinks, your belongings and don’t forget to listen to your gut if it tells you that something isn’t right—your intuition is rarely wrong.

Sabrina Jackson is a guest post author who enjoys sharing her tips for safe dating.  In addition, Sabrina is also a contributor for Adult Dating Sites where she gives advice to online singles for picking the best dating sites for them.

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Guest Post: Forget Your Ex-Husband in 5 Simple Steps

Okay, ladies…if you’ve been recently divorced and don’t go a day without hearing a song on the radio that reminds you of your ex, catch a whiff of the cologne he used to wear, or can’t get to sleep because the fear of his face haunting you in your worst nightmares has become too much to bear…then the title of this post may seem pretty laughable to you.  If you were married to someone, then it’s not like you can just magically forget about the guy (can we hurry up and patent a pill for such a thing already?!).  But the good news is that there are ways to assist the moving on process so that you aren’t so consumed with thoughts of the person who formerly claimed the title of your husband.  Check them out here:

#1:  Revamp your surroundings.  Most of us don’t have the luxury or financial backing to up and move to a tropical paradise in the middle of Fiji to recover post-divorce…and if you still reside in the house that used to be the love nest you shared with the ex-hubs, it makes it all the more difficult to forget his pathetic existence.  But one step in the right direction is getting all of his stuff gone.  Box up what he left behind and either ensure that he gets it…or if you’re feeling extra philanthropic, make a generous donation to Goodwill or to your local homeless shelter.  Also, no matter how stunning that bridal portrait above the mantle is of you, it will do nothing but remind you of a union that is no more.  Take it down along with anything else that reminds you of old, what’s-his-name.

#2:  Don’t be alone.  In the wake of a nasty split, the last thing you want to do is be alone with Sinead O’Connor on repeat, The Lifetime Movie Network, obscene amounts of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and your depressing thoughts.  Instead of wallowing in your sorrows and missing your ex-husband, spend your time with family and friends.  Doing things with people who bring you joy and uplift you will help you to feel better and get back to feeling like your old self again.

#3:  Get a new hobby.  Partaking in the same routines that you and your ex-husband used to will do nothing but taunt you and keep him at the forefront of your memory.  And what better time is there to get involved in new activities and better your life than after the termination of your marriage?  Join a gym, take up a painting class, start playing tennis—whatever it is that you will enjoy doing is sure to broaden your horizons, introduce you to new people, and focus your mind elsewhere!

#4:  Spoil your sweet self.  Going from being married to single status can be a pretty big change to say the least.  But don’t look at it as the end just because you don’t have a ring on your left hand anymore—look at it as a chance to focus on yourself now!  Hit up the spa, get a mani/pedi, try a new hair-do, and go on a shameless, guilt-free shopping spree to pick up some hot new items that will enhance your newly single status!  You’ll be feeling so great about you that you won’t be worrying about him.

#5:  Get wined and dined.  We’ve reached the biggie on this list:  go on dates, girlfriend!  Okay, right now the idea of a root canal every day for the next year might sound better than dating again.  But one of the best ways to heal an old wound is to cover it with a new Band Aid…and that doesn’t mean that you have to dive head-first into a full-fledged relationship right away; casually dating and getting back on the scene will just be fun and a much needed boost of confidence after it was ravaged in your divorce.  Putting your attention on a new man (or men) will help you move on from your ex; even if it doesn’t go anywhere, there’s nothing wrong with getting glammed up and enjoying a meal or two with some new gentlemen callers!

Author Bio.  Sabrina Jackson is a guest post author who enjoys helping women get through divorce.  In addition, Sabrina is also a contributor for Catholic Dating Sites where she offers tips for the best practices of dating on the internet.

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Filed under Divorce, Divorce Support, New relationship after divorce, positive thinking, Post Divorce, self-esteem