Guest Post: How Long Should You Wait before dating?

A couple of generations ago, when people got married they’d generally stay married for the rest of their lives. For better or worse, that’s not always the case today. Some estimates suggest 40 percent or more of couples will end up divorcing within ten years of their marriage. Even so, being divorced doesn’t mean one is doomed to live a life without love. Many divorced people end up finding love and getting married again.

One of the most important things people should do before dating again is simply take the time to heal. Divorce can be a painful and traumatic process and it isn’t  wise to jump into a new relationship afterward before one is ready. Some people start dating shortly after a divorce because they’re sad and feel incomplete without other people in their lives romantically. You don’t need to earn a PhD to know this is almost always a bad idea. If the dates don’t go well, you could end up feeling worse than you did before and add to the wounds that haven’t healed from your divorce.

It’s common to wait a few years after a divorce to start dating. It may seem like a long time to wait, but keep in mind the scope of the change you’re facing in the wake of a divorce. Making sure you’re completed healed from your separation, or at least ready to pursue new relationships, just takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different, and if you’re wondering if you’re ready to start dating again, the only person who can decide is you. Ask yourself:

Am I completely over my former spouse?

Am I comfortable bringing someone new into my life?

Do I feel comfortable bringing someone around my children?

If you answered no to any of the above questions, then you may not be ready to date yet. Some people feel as though they’ll never ready to date, and that’s OK. If you feel that way, there’s no rush to take any plunges.  However, when you do feel ready to date again, you could probably use some advice:

1. Develop a support group. Dating is a lot easier when you have a group of supportive friends and family.

2. Asses your self-worth. Make a list of your positive qualities. Realize that you’re special and you deserve a healthy relationship with someone wonderful.

3. Plan activities. Make a list of activities you want to do with potential partners.

4. Prepare for pitfalls. If the first couple of dates don’t go well, you shouldn’t let it get you down. Be willing to give someone (and yourself) another chance, or if it doesn’t feel right, to break it off and move on.

Life after a divorce can be lonely, but fortunately it’s always possible to find love another time around. However, it’s very important you take the time out to heal before you start dating again. There’s never any rush, and when you’re ready, you’ll know.

Bio: Marina Salsbury planned on becoming a teacher since high school, but found her way instead into online writing after college. She writes around the Web about everything from education to exercise.

Guest Post: Going Back to College After Divorce

A divorce is more than a bump on life’s road. It’s often more like a violent car crash, complete with fire, ambulance, and casualties. Recovery can be equally long and difficult. Sometimes it takes years to get back on your feet.

After the pain of divorce fades away, one of the biggest hurdles to overcome is regaining your self-confidence. Marriage is a partnership of two people, and sundering that union often leaves each partner feeling less than complete. Financial strain can compound the situation, especially if your former spouse was the bread-winner. The task of braving a cold world of employers with a resume full of gaps can be daunting and unnerving. If this is the scenario you face, it may be time to consider going back to college.

A college degree can make all the difference in a landing high-paying job, but going back to school can also boost your ego and set you back on solid footing, renewing your outlook on life. There’s no substitute for success by way of your own merit. In this way, college can be a proving ground, a way to tell yourself and others that you are ready to face life head-on. Brush off your transcript and evaluate your career goals. You are about to re-enter the world of higher learning.

Forget your preconceived notions about college. It isn’t just for the acne-prone teenage crowd anymore. Community colleges, state schools, and even online college classes all enroll a fair number of adult students. Some schools even prefer more settled adults over restless teens. Adult students take college more seriously, often approaching class projects with more enthusiasm and drive than their teenage classmates. The biggest problems adults face when reentering the collegiate atmosphere are of the financial kind. Financial aid is a bit harder to come by once you reach age 25.

That’s not to say that it can’t be done, however. Paying for college may be a challenge, but it’s far from impossible. Student loans are always an option.  Grants and scholarships are available as well. It just takes time and diligence to find the right option.  Federal funding is also available to adult students, especially those returning to school to obtain a post-secondary degree as preparation for a career change.

Once you are over the financial hurdle, it’s time to begin rubbing elbows with the college crowd again. As rewarding as this can be, it may present some social challenges. You may find yourself explaining to fellow students and staff members why you’ve returned to school after so many years. This may reopen painful wounds from the divorce, leaving you feeling vulnerable and weak. Some people find it therapeutic to talk about past problems and experiences, while others prefer to leave the past behind, buried safely and securely.

If you fit the latter description, there’s no need to get into the details of the divorce to explain why you’re back in school. The self-betterment or simply looking for a new career is reason enough for anyone. Talk positively about your goals and dreams, and focus on the future.  Chances are your peers will be more receptive to your positive attitude anyway.  Most people are very willing to accept you as you are now, and not as you were
before or during the divorce. Live in the present and never worry about the past.

Each college credit you earn will be like a building block or paving stone along your new road of life. Slowly and steadily you will begin to get your
traction, navigating your way to success and prosperity. Knowledge will be yourvehicle and independence and accomplishment will serve as your fuel. Get ready to start your engine. A new life is waiting up ahead.

Bio:  Marina Salsbury planned on becoming a teacher since high school, but found her way instead into online writing after college. She writes around the Web about everything from education to exercise.

Guest Post: Life after Divorce

Adjusting to life after a divorce can be difficult at best and at worst, so dark that most want to forget about those months or years. It is
easy to fall into depression and feel alienated after a divorce. The shared dreams, hopes and goals that a marriage creates are suddenly gone and each person is left to maneuver alone, hoping to find a new life. It is a time when a strong support system is most needed, yet many people find that suddenly their friend pool is a lot smaller than it used to be.

This is the moment when people usually go into survival mode.  However, it doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that there’s a better option: Why not thrive? Why coast by, day to day, when you could take the steps to find happiness, to create or strengthen the support system and start a new path in life. Here are some strategies to help fend off the depression, alienation and confusion that come with divorce.

WebMD.com recommends some strategies to face the challenges that divorce brings and to forge ahead. One is to find and build up a strong support system.  Having a few friends and relatives to talk to, share a laugh with and call for practical help when needed can make the difference between feeling completely overwhelmed by the divorce and finding the strength to move on. After a divorce, people often find that many of their friends are just not available to them, partly because many of these friends no longer know how to deal with the new dynamics. But reaching out to those friends that can provide the needed strength and support is the only way to involve them and show them they are really needed and can help.

Another strategy recommended in the article is to develop and explore new interests and hobbies, to redefine who you are. Divorce impacts
identity, so people who had invested their whole identity in their marriage find themselves adrift in their new reality. Have you ever wanted to go
rock-climbing? Bike through Europe? Find new activities that you may not have explored when you were married in order to distinguish yourself as a new person, with new interests and a new zest for life.

Healing over time and forging a new life are also necessary to overcome a divorce. The healing process takes time and cannot really be rushed. You may find yourself grieving, and well you should. Divorce is very similar to a death – it is the death of an old, familiar life. The pain
associated with divorce stays long after the divorce is finalized. Patience is very important during this period, and trying to ignore the need to grieve, cry and feel sad is not conducive to getting ready to move on with life.

Even during the healing process, you can begin the process of moving on and creating a new life. The negative emotions tied to divorce
sometimes lead you to stop taking care of yourself, and this can hasten the development of depression. Part of moving on means being careful about taking care of your body and mind, exercising, eating balanced meals and perhaps meditating to maintain overall health. Being healthy, both in body and mind, is vital if you want to avoid giving in to depression.

Moving on also means getting involved in new activities, meeting new people and developing a positive attitude toward the changes that become
inevitable after a divorce. Meeting new people does not necessarily mean jumping into a new romantic relationship. Doing this too soon might mean falling into the same patterns that caused the divorce. But it does mean learning to build new relationships by meeting new friends and learning to trust them and grow with them.

A positive attitude and expressing aloud what a person is feeling are also tools that are very helpful in combating stress and depression caused by a divorce. The attitude a person takes during this time will be the major deciding factor on whether this period is one of depression, tears and constant fear, or one full of positivity, possibilities and hope.

Being able to sit down and talk to someone who is a good listener can also help with managing the negative emotions experienced during
this period. Whether you look to a psychologist or a friend over coffee is no matter – if they’re supportive and eager to listen, you’ve found a diamond in the rough. But above all, be brave enough to give yourself a pep talk if you need one, and let yourself know that you’re doing a good job. This helps to create the positive attitude that can strengthen the resolve to move on with life and create a new one, filled with old and new friends and interests.

Divorce is a period of overwhelming emotions that can leave you feeling a little bit paralyzed. However, overcoming the negative aspects of
this process is the key to thriving after your divorce in a new life!

Bio:  Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work in the weird world of internet marketing

Guest Post: Divorce Support Groups: Do You Need Them?

It can be hard to manage life after a divorce. You are faced with issues you may not have had to consider before including how to rebuild your finances, determining an equitable division of assets, determining child custody, figuring out how to begin dating again, and so on. Seeking therapy after a divorce can help you learn how to deal with these issues and to cope with your new feelings of grief, loneliness, anger, and uncertainty. Support groups are a wonderful resource that can help you during this difficult time.

Some of the benefits of support groups for those who have gone through or are currently going through a divorce include:

Understanding from Those Who Have Been There

Friends and family may try to offer you advice and support for your divorce, but unless they have been through the same experience, they may not be able to really understand. Support groups offer you a place to talk to others who can truly empathize with your situation. You can vent your fears and frustrations without fear of judgment. And you can gain assurance from hearing from others who are experiencing the same things.

Exchange of Ideas and Solutions

In talking to others who have been through the same experience, you can also get valuable insight into how to deal with the new challenges you face. Unsure of your financial rights? Someone in your group can likely refer you to an attorney or other resources. Need a good source for childcare? Want to know the best way to meet someone new? People in your group can likely offer you good ideas. You can find out what has worked — or not worked — for others, and you won’t have to feel like you are figuring it all out on your own.

Motivation and Inspiration

Divorce can be a frustrating experience, and it can feel at times like the situation will never get better. You may feel like you will never find another person to love, or like there is no end in sight to agreeing on a fair divorce settlement. Attending a support group can show you that others have been through similar experiences and found a happy outcome. You can find hope in knowing that others have overcome even worse situations that you have. It may show you that you have more strength than you thought you did.

Finding a Support Group

Once you’re ready to look for a support group, consider several things:

• Size. How big is the group? Will you get enough individual attention, or will you feel lost in the crowd? On the other hand, is the group too intimate for your comfort level? Make sure you know before you go.
• Location. Since you will be attending group sessions regularly, the location of the meetings should be convenient for you and your schedule.
• Time commitment. Are you required to attend the group for a minimum number of sessions? Can you attend all the meetings required?
• Cost. Many support groups are an affordable alternative to individual counseling or coaching. Some are even free. However, make sure you know the fees up front and that you are able to pay them.
• Philosophy. Some support groups may have a religious mission or be affiliated with a group. Make sure you are comfortable with the philosophy of the group before you attend.

Many groups are likely available in your area. Ask for referrals from your attorney or friends who have been divorced. If you attend church, find out if your church offers such a group. Or, search online for support groups in your area and read about what they have to offer through their web site.

Have you attended a divorce support group, or are you still attending one? Tell us about your experience!

Bio: Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education where she’s written on online social work programs along with a piece on online graphic design programs. In her spare time, she enjoys yoga, playing piano, and working with origami.

 

Time to move on after divorce

As the old saying goes, ‘time flies when you’re having fun’ but it can go so slowly when you’re miserable.   So how can you speed up time when moving on after a divorce?

The first thing is to let go of your anger and bitterness, these will only hold you back and time will continue to drag.  The anger does not give you the strength to carry on, whatever you’ve been told this is never the case, it only stops you from moving forward.

Once you have accepted your new situation and decided that it is time to move on time will start to go more quickly.  But how do you rebuild your life, start to move forward?  The best way is to join new groups and meet new people.  This doesn’t have to cost a fortune.

Join a group that has monthly or weekly event – a rambling group, the WI, a gardening group, a reading group, an amateur dramatics group, a choir, a dance class, a local quiz league.   Most of these can be found by Google or at the local library.  Just think of something you are interested in doing or learning and find out where it happens in your local area.  The world is your oyster – decide what you want to do in your spare time rather than staying in.  Most of these groups cost very little to join.

Alternatively you could join a local business networking group.  If you’re working try and persuade your boss that it could bring new business if you attend, if you’re self-employed you will be able to promote your business and if you’re not working you could get some ideas for setting up your own business.  You’ll meet some interesting and inspiring people and possibly make some good friends (I know I have).  Most groups are very welcoming and details of local groups can be found on the internet.

Deciding to get fit can have a dual benefit of helping you to keep trim and meet new people.  It doesn’t have to cost a fortune.  Most councils run a fitness scheme of some kind where you can use the gym and swimming pool and attend various fitness classes for a reasonable cost each month.  Some even include racquet sports in the price.  My local scheme costs £19/month off peak and £22/month for peak times.

You are far more likely to meet people that will become friends if you are doing something that interests you.  Once you have things to keep you occupied time will start to move more quickly and before you know it you will have started rebuilding your life.

So why not get on the computer or pop down to your local library and see what is out there.  What is stopping you from moving forward?

Divorce does not equal Failure

One of the biggest emotions people feel following a divorce is a sense of failure.  Why is this?  Why do we think we have failed if we can’t live with the same person forever?  People change, lifestyles change.  You could look at it a different way – deciding not to be together is not failing; it is evolving.  In years gone by getting divorced was scandalous but times have changed and a huge percentage of marriages end in divorce.  Anyway, who said that couples should stay together forever?  Surely it is better to separate and be happy than stay together and be miserable.

I’m not saying that couples should give up at the first hurdle.  I’m a firm believer that you have to work at marriage but I also believe that some marriages come to a natural end.  I don’t think couples should give up easily I believe they should try to recapture the romance and they should definitely make sure they spend time talking to each other.  It would be a tragedy if a good marriage ended simply because the couple were too busy to sit down and talk. However if the marriage can’t be repaired then what is wrong with letting it go?  It is tough if one half of the couple doesn’t want to split up but usually once the shock has worn off that person builds a new and often happier life.  How can you be truly happy if your partner is not?  Holding on to bitterness and anger will only stop you from moving on so accept what has happened and get on with your life.  This might sound harsh but it is true.  Staying angry does not help you, it does not make you stronger it actually saps your strength and your ability to rebuild your life.

People say that divorce is unfair on the children but so is staying together for the sake of the children. Children are not stupid they know when their parents are not happy.  The children will probably not be affected by divorce as much as you might think.  After all, there is no stigma attached to divorce these days and as long as you continue to share parenting and both show them that you love them, there is no reason the children should suffer.

So, if you’re thinking that being divorced means that you have failed think again.  There is no such thing as failure, only feedback.  Learn from your experience and work out what you would like from your next relationship.

Never say “Never”

People who are divorced often say that they will never get married or live with someone again.  In fact, after the breakdown of my second marriage I said exactly that.  Thankfully I reconsidered when I met my current husband and we will be celebrating 11 very happy years of marriage this year.

The thought of getting involved again can be really scary.  You may worry about getting hurt again so here are a few ideas to help you to protect yourself emotionally.

Before getting into another serious relationship ask yourself if you have allowed yourself enough time to develop as a single person.  Are you living a fulfilling life with lots of interests and friends?  I firmly believe that no one should enter a serious relationship until they have been single for at least 3 years and are happy with their life.  If you are ‘needy’ you are liable to attract the wrong kind of partner.  If you are living a fulfilling life and a partner would just be the ‘icing on the cake’ you are more likely to meet someone special.

It is helpful to know what you do and don’t want from a new partner/relationship.  Thinking back to your previous relationships, what things did you value and what really annoyed you?  Examine the causes of the breakdown of your marriage.  Be really honest with yourself and acknowledge where things were your fault.  If you are a bit of a control freak, admit this and find ways of being more flexible.  If you tend to be a bit of a ‘doormat’ find strategies to make you more assertive.

If you think a relationship is becoming serious get valued friends and relatives to ‘vet’ your new partner and be honest with you about what they think.  If most of them like him/her that’s good but if they don’t, alarm bells should be ringing.  Also, learn to listen to your gut instincts – they are usually right.  Don’t suppress doubts; explore them.  Certainly don’t settle for second best – if this one isn’t ‘the one’ then find the one who is.

Beware of repeating old patterns with a new partner.  Relationships fail for a reason, if you’re going for the same ‘type’ of person are you asking for trouble from the start?  A good relationship is about sharing and equality – if you don’t have those you don’t have a good relationship. Be sure that you can be yourself within the relationship.

Know your boundaries – what is and is not acceptable to you?    Let your new partner know what is important to you and what is not and if the line is crossed address it immediately.  Ensure that communication with your new partner is good.  If you have a problem, however small, talk about it.  If you don’t discuss these little issues they can build up and become problems. However busy you both are do put time aside to talk about how you’re feeling.

Most importantly enjoy yourself, have fun getting to know your new partner but remember that all new relationships have a ‘honeymoon’ period.  That giddy feeling doesn’t last so don’t rush into any serious commitment until you have settled down and got into a routine with your new partner.  If they are worth having they will respect your wish to take things slowly – don’t let anyone rush you into anything.

Finding your ‘Mojo’

Divorce can leave you struggling to find your mojo, your sense of worth, your confidence, your sex appeal.   You can be left thinking that things will never be the same, and you’re right, they won’t.  But, things can and will change and they can change for the better.  Sometimes it feels like you’re swimming through treacle and will never surface but you will.  It’s up to you whether you come up spluttering or shouting and punching the air.

If you’re feeling down start doing some conscious positive thinking exercises.  Don’t just dismiss it as ‘claptrap’ – give it a try, what have you got to lose? 

Here are my top 6 ideas for helping you to find your ‘mojo’:

1. Catch yourself thinking sad or negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts.  It doesn’t have to be huge things; simple things like looking forward to seeing a friend, an exercise class, or something planned for the weekend will bring you out of your negative thought pattern.
2. Take up a new hobby or interest.  It doesn’t have to cost the earth.  Most local authorities run exercise classes and evening courses.  Why not learn a skill or a new discipline in exercise?  Alternatively you could join the WI (women only) or volunteer in your local community. 
3. Learn to meditate.  It really does help to relax you and focus your mind on what is important.  Just 10 minutes a day can reduce your stress levels.  You don’t have to be religious to be spiritual. Meditation allows your subconscious to find solutions to your problems.
4. Count your blessings.  Each day before you go to sleep say thank you for all the good things in your life, however small. Learn to appreciate simple things like a walk in the countryside, the love of a pet, the wonder of growing flowers and vegetables, a bird singing or a beautiful sunset.
5. Learn to love yourself.   Appreciate your good qualities, believe it when people pay you compliments, relax and enjoy your own company, make the most of your life.
6. Buy a self-help book and do the suggested exercises.  Really work through it, don’t just put it on the shelf and forget about it.  Alternatively read some inspirational books about people who have survived the challenges life has thrown at them.

Divorce does not mean you are a Failure

Recent research by a dating site www.fifties.com has revealed that 60% of people who went through divorce at 50+ said that the feeling of failure was the most difficult thing to come to terms with.  

This figure astounded me.  At a time when approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce why should you feel that you have failed?  Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not a failure because you are divorced.  

So your marriage didn’t work out.  It’s not all your fault; after all it takes two to tango!  It is rarely the fault of one person when a relationship breaks down.  Something changed.  You fell out of love, you realised there was more to life, maybe you had both changed over the years.  Sometimes one partner leaves and the other had no idea there was anything wrong with the marriage, that partner is often devastated and becomes bitter and angry, not acknowledging that they have done anything to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage.  Sometimes one partner really is completely blameless, if that is the case then you are better off without someone who does not value you. 

Feeling like a failure will stop you from moving on.  Ask yourself why you feel like this.  Were you 100% to blame?  What is about the marriage ending that makes you feel you have failed?  Is it rational to feel like a failure?

Instead of feeling like a failure make a decision to put it down to experience.  Put it behind you and start living again.  In NLP terms ‘there is no failure, only feedback’ so what did you learn.  What frustrated you about being married?  What would you like to have done differently?  Did you give up dreams, aspirations, hobbies?  We often sacrifice things when we get married and start a family.  What could you do now that you couldn’t do when you were married?

So, stop feeling that you have failed and start living again.

Top Tips for staying Positive

Inspired by Mr Positive! aka David Boufford but ‘tweaked’ by me. Mr Positive sends me daily inspirational quotes and monthly newsletters and you can subscribe to him here. 

1.  Turn off the news (if something really important happens you’ll find out).

2.  Find and indulge in your passions (Ask yourself “what brings me joy?” then do it.)

3.  Always see the glass as ‘half full’ (look for solutions/opportunities where others see  problems).

4.  Find peace (Pray/meditate/find a Spiritual path that resonates with you and practice it). You don’t have to be religious to be spiritual. Meditation allows your subconscious to find solutions to your problems.

5.  Saturate your mind with positive books, quotes, music and self-talk. (If you need a list to get you started let me know and I’ll provide one).

6.  Stay connected to positive people and get rid of the negative people in your life.

7.  Keep a gratitude journal (write about all the good in your day).

8.  Learn to love yourself.   Appreciate your good qualities, believe it when people pay you compliments, relax and enjoy your own company, make the most of your life.