Guest Post: A Good Divorce from a Child’s Perspective

I am an emotionally healthy, fulfilled, self aware adult living a happy and productive life. I’m also the daughter of a pair of absolutely delightful people who can’t really stand to be in the same room together. No, I’m not kidding. My parents might just be the two least compatible individuals on the entire planet and yet somehow they managed to successfully produce a tiny person that would grow up to be me without ever coming to blows or getting into any public shouting matches. In fact, for two people that would gladly throw down with each other in The Octagon they did a
pretty impressive job of raising me in an environment that was conflict-free and, as far as childhoods go, pretty dang awesome.

So what was their formula for successfully parenting under the circumstances of divorce? Here are my observations when I recall my
munchkin-hood as the daughter of a pair of average American divorcees.

• My parents never spoke in a derogatory way about each other in front of me.   Looking back I could not be more thankful for
  their restraint. The tension between divorced or divorcing parents is apparent enough to any child and verbalizing it would have compounded my anxiety. Divorce is a grownup conflict and my parents made the decision early on that as a child I would not have to sort out adult issues with my limited perspective. If I needed an answer for why mom and dad were not together, I was given one that essentially left everyone (including myself) blameless.
• My parents split the week 70/30, not 50/50. I had friends in school whose divorced parents were insistent that they split their child’s time down the middle, Solomon-style. My classmates who spent half of their school week with one parents and half with another consistently missed homework assignments, left necessary textbooks at the wrong house, and complained about not getting enough sleep. I feel very fortunate that my parents made the decision to let me spend my entire school week at my mom’s house and weekends with my dad. It made staying organized and on top of my schoolwork easier and it gave me a sense of continuity during the week.
• My parents communicated with each other, never through me. I was never asked to relay messages about grownup things (child support, holiday arrangements, etc.) from one parent to another. I imagine that would’ve been awkward and I’m continually shocked by parents who would as their children to act as a go-between.
• My parents presented a unified disciplinary front. I didn’t like this one much when I was younger, but on reflection it did give me a sense of stability when the rules at dad’s house could be counted on to always jibe with the rules at mom’s house. Sure, my dad let me eat ice cream and French fries for dinner every once in a while but in general rules about chores and homework were always the same. Of course this also meant that if I was grounded at mom’s house, it extended to dad’s house as well. At 13 it was a bummer. At 24 I’m glad they were both on the same page.

“Ain’t nobody perfect” is what my grandfather always told me. My mom and dad were no exception, but they did work hard to ensure that even though they weren’t a happy couple we could still be a happy family. I’m not a counselor or a social worker, but I do speak from experience as someone who had a wonderful childhood and a great pair of divorced parents. If you’re a parent who is divorced or going through a divorce, I hope that you take away something positive from my experience as a child and can put it to good use for your own family.

 

Bio.  Megan Breaux is a humorist and advice blogger from Louisiana. Her parents are very proud of how she turned out, but they still
can’t stand each other. Ah, c’est la vie.

Guest Post There’s no place like home……but where is home for your children?

With the opening of borders across Europe and the recent growth of the internet and cheap travel, it is becoming increasingly common for children to have parents who are of different nationality to one another.   However, should the parents separate, what happens if one parent wants to return to their home country with the child?

This is a question I am frequently asked as a family lawyer and it is understandably a highly emotive issue between parents.  Should a parent leave the country with their child without the other parent’s consent they could face criminal charges for child abduction.  Therefore consent
is essential and if it is not forthcoming from the other parent you will need to apply to the court for a judge to decide.

When the court considers whether such a move with the child should be allowed, the child’s welfare is paramount and the court will apply what is known as the welfare checklist.  The checklist includes factors such as the physical, emotional and educational needs of the child, the wishes and feelings of the child, the capability of the parent to meet the child’s needs and the likely effect on the child.  The proposed arrangements need to be considered carefully and the greater part the parent who would be left behind plays in the child’s life, the greater impact/damage upon the child if the move is allowed.

If you wish to make the move with your child, preparation and research is imperative.  Also focus on how your child’s relationship with their other parent can be maintained if the move is allowed.  The court needs to be sure that the proposed move is genuine, realistic and above all in the child’s best interests.

It is a very difficult issue with many factors to consider.  Whether you are the parent wishing to make the move or the parent opposing the
move, early legal advice is essential.

This was a guest post by Patricia Robinson Senior Associate at divorce solicitorsPannone LLP. For more information visit
their website at http://www.pannone.com/.

Guest Post: Five Things Divorcing Parents of a Special Needs Child Should/Should Not Do

Divorce is a very difficult time for all members of a family, but it may be more so for a child with special needs. In order for children with disorders or disabilities to feel safe and cared-for, they must always be in a loving, caring environment. Whereas other children may find it easier to understand why their parents don’t get along, special needs children will need extra care during this time of conflict. For this reason, divorcing parents should constantly be aware of their behavior around their special needs child. Although this will require a lot of effort from the divorcing parents, it is what it best for their child. Here are five things you should/should not do.

1. Do not fight in front of your child: as with all children, special needs children will feel helpless and frightened when their parents argue in front of them.  The stress of the argument could negatively impact your child’s emotional and physical health causing nervousness and even gastrointestinal problems.
2. Do not become so wrapped up in the divorce, you forget to give your child the attention and care they require: this applies to all divorcing parents, but the role of a parent with a special needs child is especially important as the child often needs their parents to keep up with medications, therapies and doctor appointments on a regular basis.
3. Do continue to work together on your child’s plan of care: too often, one of the divorcing parents becomes the bearer of all care after the divorce, creating a lot of stress for that parent. It is wise to create a plan of care for each parent before the separation, so that each parent understands their role in the child’s life.
4. Do determine who your child will live with. For some special needs children (especially those with developmental disorders), it can be difficult for them to transition from one parent’s home for a few nights to another parent’s home for a few nights. Special needs children find comfort in familiar environments.  Moving them from home to home may create a feeling of instability and confusion.
5. Don’t let the divorce affect your well-being: special needs children need the help of their parents for a lot longer than other children. For this reason, it is important that you find the time to take care of your health, as well. Divorce can often create a perfect reason to drink excess alcohol, eat excess food and not exercise. However, for the sake of your child’s well-being, you must continue to take care of yourself during this difficult time and throughout the rest of your life.

Bio.  Denise Keene has been a Special Ed teacher for 15 years now and likes to write articles about various related topics. She also owns the site ‘Masters in Special Education’