Guest Post: How Long Should You Wait before dating?

A couple of generations ago, when people got married they’d generally stay married for the rest of their lives. For better or worse, that’s not always the case today. Some estimates suggest 40 percent or more of couples will end up divorcing within ten years of their marriage. Even so, being divorced doesn’t mean one is doomed to live a life without love. Many divorced people end up finding love and getting married again.

One of the most important things people should do before dating again is simply take the time to heal. Divorce can be a painful and traumatic process and it isn’t  wise to jump into a new relationship afterward before one is ready. Some people start dating shortly after a divorce because they’re sad and feel incomplete without other people in their lives romantically. You don’t need to earn a PhD to know this is almost always a bad idea. If the dates don’t go well, you could end up feeling worse than you did before and add to the wounds that haven’t healed from your divorce.

It’s common to wait a few years after a divorce to start dating. It may seem like a long time to wait, but keep in mind the scope of the change you’re facing in the wake of a divorce. Making sure you’re completed healed from your separation, or at least ready to pursue new relationships, just takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different, and if you’re wondering if you’re ready to start dating again, the only person who can decide is you. Ask yourself:

Am I completely over my former spouse?

Am I comfortable bringing someone new into my life?

Do I feel comfortable bringing someone around my children?

If you answered no to any of the above questions, then you may not be ready to date yet. Some people feel as though they’ll never ready to date, and that’s OK. If you feel that way, there’s no rush to take any plunges.  However, when you do feel ready to date again, you could probably use some advice:

1. Develop a support group. Dating is a lot easier when you have a group of supportive friends and family.

2. Asses your self-worth. Make a list of your positive qualities. Realize that you’re special and you deserve a healthy relationship with someone wonderful.

3. Plan activities. Make a list of activities you want to do with potential partners.

4. Prepare for pitfalls. If the first couple of dates don’t go well, you shouldn’t let it get you down. Be willing to give someone (and yourself) another chance, or if it doesn’t feel right, to break it off and move on.

Life after a divorce can be lonely, but fortunately it’s always possible to find love another time around. However, it’s very important you take the time out to heal before you start dating again. There’s never any rush, and when you’re ready, you’ll know.

Bio: Marina Salsbury planned on becoming a teacher since high school, but found her way instead into online writing after college. She writes around the Web about everything from education to exercise.

Guest Post: How to start Online Dating after a Divorce

After a tough relationship, jumping into the dating game can be a little daunting. The internet is full of opportunities to meet single people, but it can be tough to navigate without some good dating advice. The internet dating world can be strange or unusual at times, but the sheer number of new people you can meet is pretty amazing.  Online dating gives you the option to choose what characteristics you would like in your significant other. You can meet people based on common interests, location, age, income, or any other type of criteria that you specify. Being  matched with a like-minded person helps get the conversation started, but it doesn’t always guarantee a good match. Here are 3 different types of dating sites that people who have gone through a divorce might consider:

Niche Sites

If you have a specific interest or hobby, there most likely has been a site specifically created for people with this interest. These “niche sites” offer the chance to meet other single parents, people interested in fitness, or people who really love a sport like golf. If a potential dater MUST meet specific criteria for you to pursue them, this type of site might be for you. Larger mainstream dating sites give you the opportunity to search by an interest or characteristic, but there won’t be as big of an audience as with these niche sites. Niche sites like these are almost always “pay to join”, so you might not be able to give them a test run before you pay. You also might want to enquire about how many members there are in your local area, BEFORE you pay. Sometimes these sites can get pretty specific, so making sure there are enough people in your local area to actually date is important.

Free Dating Sites

There are an abundance of free sites that let you access all features, but are crammed full of advertising. The benefits of large free sites like ‘Plenty of Fish’ or ‘Mingle2’, is that you can test them out without having to use your credit card. It gives you the opportunity to see if online dating is compatible with YOU. The negative of a site like this is that many of these people are not very serious about finding a perfect match. They may
have signed up out of boredom, because it’s free and they have nothing to lose. You might not get a good response rate as you would with a paid site like ‘eHarmony’. If you are interested in a serious relationship, a paid site will be most likely to match you with a person that is committed to finding a good match.

Paid Membership Sites

High quality membership sites have their advantages because they have certain standards to qualify. Many of them do not accept all applicants and even do background checks. It can be easy to present a false persona on dating sites, so this screening process can allow you to feel secure
that these people are who they say they are. This can be particularly important for safety reasons or if you have kids. Making sure that a match does not have any type of criminal record or sorted past is important before you make a face to face meeting. The main drawback to a paid dating site is the cost. The cost can vary from site to site, but range from $100 to $200 for a 3 month membership.

For people that are trying to get their feet wet after a divorce, a paid site is likely to be the best fit. It might be expensive, but this fee will weed out a lot of the riff-raff. It helps make sure that members are committed to the process of finding a mate. Free sites can attract casual users that won’t take it seriously. If you are looking to meet a quality person, that fits your criteria and is serious about dating, a paid membership is your best bet.

Jeremy Simms maintains the website Chat Rooms Online. The site is community driven and has areas for chat and relationship advice.

Guest Post: Assessing Your Relationship Readiness; When to Start Dating

Life goes on after divorce, and so does love but it can be difficult to determine how and when to start a new, healthy relationship. The first step is to make sure that you’re ready to date and that you don’t want a relationship for the wrong reasons. After going through any difficult life event, personal healing needs to precede the development of a romantic relationship, so use the following questions to analyze your readiness.

Assessment Questions

For each question, try to answer with a simple “yes” or “no,” then list several reasons why you chose the answer you did.

1.         Are you able to spend time alone without feeling panicky or lonely?

2.         Are you satisfied with your life?

3.         Are you free of emotional baggage?

4.         Would you be able to compromise in a relationship?

5.         Do you have realistic expectations?

6.         Do you know what you want in a relationship?

7.         Do you know what you need?

8.         Are you ready and available for commitment?

9.         Are you healthy in mind, body, and spirit?

10.       Is your financial and legal business handled?

11.       Are your family relationships functional and healthy?

12.       Do you have effective dating skills? Can you keep your physical and emotional distance enough to assess whether or not someone is right for you?

13.       Do you have effective relationship skills? Can you break through emotional barriers, trust a new partner, and allow yourself to be vulnerable?

Determining Your Relationship Readiness

For any questions that were answered with a “no” or tentative “yes,” analyze the reasons behind your answers or your struggle to answer the question. Think about how to change these characteristics of your relationship readiness. For example, if you answered “no” to number three, determine what kinds of emotional baggage are holding you back. Then figure out a way to eliminate that baggage by talking to a counsellor, joining a divorce recovery support group, or letting your ex know how he or she hurt you. Taking the right steps toward becoming free of emotional baggage can bring you closer to being ready for a new relationship. If any of these questions trouble you or cause you to hesitate, be sure to address the underlying cause of your discomfort before starting the process of building a new relationship.

Bio: Alexis Bonari is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident education blogger and performs research surrounding College Scholarships.  In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

The 3 R’s

I wrote this piece for my newsletter and thought it would be good to share it with the readers of my blog.  I read about the 3 R’s – Respect for Self, Respect for others and Responsibility for your actions and decided it was worth expanding on them.

 

Respect for Self

 

It is so important to respect yourself and to live according to your values.  Treat yourself well – spend time on personal development.  It doesn’t have to be expensive, there is plenty of information on the web.  Most importantly learn to like yourself and be ‘comfortable in your own skin’.  What you think of yourself is mirrored back to you. If you project confidence, people will see you as confident. If you look relaxed and attentive, people will see you as interested and friendly. If you show respect to yourself  people will mirror that respect back to you.

 

Respect for others 

 

Treating people with respect makes your world a nicer place to live in and it’s easy – all you have to do is treat people the way you like to have them treat you. Here are a few ideas.

·        Listen to others when they speak.

·        Value other people’s opinions.

·        Be considerate of people’s likes and dislikes.

·        Don’t talk about people behind their backs.

·        Be sensitive to other people’s feelings.

·        Don’t pressure someone to do something he or she doesn’t want to do.

·        Show interest and appreciation for other people’s cultures and backgrounds.

·        Don’t insult people or make fun of them.

 

Responsibility for all your actions

 

Taking responsibility for your actions is a big step.  So often we blame other people or circumstances when we don’t get what we want.  Blaming makes us feel better but it doesn’t solve our problems.  When you start taking responsibility you take back your personal power.    When you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.  So, try something different and take responsibility for the results.  As you know, one of my favourite authors is Susan Jeffers (see recommended books) and her book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’ talks about taking personal responsibility.

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Are you ready to remarry?

Following a comment from Reese Witherspoon “I’m not ready to marry Jake, I don’t know how I feel about marriage. Obviously, I’m not far enough out of being married to think about doing it again.” I was asked to join a discussion on BBC Radio Berkshire about when is the right time to remarry.  Obviously this will be different for everyone but there are things that it is important to consider before deciding to get married again:

1.     Can you be totally honest with your partner?

 2.      Do you know each others attitudes towards children, finances, family,  religion, etc?

 3.      Are you able to really talk to your partner?  Are you friends as well as lovers?

 4.      Do you have separate as well as joint hobbies & interests?

 5.      Do you have joint goals for your future?

 6.      Why are you considering marriage, is it:

a)  because of fear, loneliness or a need for security? (not good reasons)

b)  are you already secure and fulfilled and marriage will just be the ‘icing on the cake’?

 7.      How do you know your partner loves you?  What does he/she need to do to reassure you?  Do you know what you need to do to reassure your partner that you love him/her?

 8.      Have you thought about why your previous marriage didn’t work and are you sure that you are not repeating the same mistakes?

If you have any questions about this please don’t hesitate to e-mail me:  annie.oneill@newhorizons.uk.com

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