Forgiveness

How do you forgive someone who has hurt you so badly?  The person who has ruined your life, uprooted your family?

It’s never going to be easy but who are you actually hurting if you don’t forgive?  Will your ex care that you haven’t forgiven him/her?  Will they even know?

In fact all you are ding is causing yourself to be bitter.  What good is holding on to the past doing?  You’re making yourself miserable, you’re likely to be boring your friends and testing the patience of your love ones.

So, what is holding on to anger, resentment and bitterness doing for you? 

What would it be like if you were to let them go?

How can you move forward if you’re always looking back?

You can’t change what has happened, thinking about it won’t make it different.  Finding things to blame your ex for isn’t going to affect them, it’s only going to stop you from starting afresh.

So, thinking about forgiving your ex, how would that feel?

What do you lose if you forgive?  What do you gain?

How about forgiving yourself?  Do you wonder if you could have done things differently?  Turn over the ‘what if’s’ in the middle of the night?

What would it be like to just let it all go?

The past is the past.  You can’t change it.  What you can do is learn from it and put it behind you.

Some of the things I have learnt from my own ‘failed’ relationships are:

-         I am strong

-         I will survive (sounds like a song!)

-         When the ‘shit hits the fan’ I can cope

-         I found out who my true friends were

-         I know what I want from life

I believe everything happens for a reason and my two past marriages have, in some ways, enriched my experience of life.

I spent a valuable five years on my own, learning to love and accept myself, deciding what I want from life.  But, before I was able to do this I had to let go of the past, forgive and take responsibility for myself.

Once you’ve done this you can focus on the present and the future.  You can decide what you want and take steps to achieve it.

Forgiveness gives you peace and increases your personal power.  Continuing to blame someone takes a huge amount of energy and the only person you are hurting is you.  Let go of these destructive emotions.

Letting go of the Past

Letting go of the past can be difficult. The past is our history, it’s what forms our opinions and our perceptions but history is exactly what it is. The past is over, done and dusted.

You can’t go back and change anything so put the past behind you and move on. By all means take the lessons learned, the strength uncovered, the knowledge and experience but don’t hold on to grudges, anger, guilt etc. What good will it do you? How will it help you to move forward and live your life?

If you’re having difficulty in letting go of the past, ask yourself why? What is holding on to the past giving you? Are you using it as an emotional crutch, an excuse not to do something new and scary? Take the plunge.

Changing your life takes courage but take it one step at a time. We’re very good at imagining all the things that could go wrong, all the pitfalls, the dangers but when we go ahead and do it usually we find there was nothing to worry about after all. We let our fears get in the way when actually we don’t have any evidence that anything bad will happen if we take a step forward.

So start living your life to the full, enjoy every minute. As far as we know, you only get one chance at life so why waste it brooding on what has happened when you could be living it and making new memories. Buy my ebook ‘Let go of the Past & Embrace the Future’ for exercises and tips on letting go of the past.

5 tips to help you get past your Divorce

A divorce can be one of the most traumatic things one ever has to experience as an adult.  That said, getting over things after the paperwork has been filed is not always an easy endeavor.  What follows is a brief list of tips to help you get past the divorce and move forward in your life. 

Practice the Art of Forgiveness 

Forgiveness isn’t always easy, so start with you.  There is no reason to continue blaming yourself for the things that have happened in your past relationship.  Keep in mind that it takes two and that usually neither party is completely to blame for what happened.  Work on forgiving yourself; you shouldn’t have to keep paying for problems in the past.  Once you can forgive yourself, it becomes easier to forgive others. 

Don’t Wait for Things to Happen 

Life isn’t going to wait for you to get better, so you can’t wait for things to change in your life.  It is time for you to go out and seek opportunities and find what it is that makes you happy.  This is the only way to begin moving forward in your life—you have to just jump in and start swimming in the direction that will get you to where you want to be.  Seize opportunities for learning and growth and never sell yourself short. 

Remember that Happiness is Relative 

Many people are under the mistaken assumption that happiness is about always smiling and laughing, while never feeling sad or down.  On the contrary, happiness is about living a fulfilling life in which you experience the full range of human emotions.  It is okay to feel down, as long as you know how to come back up.  Work with accepting your emotions and see how much better you feel.  Again, there is no reason to beat yourself up because you had a bad day.  Everyone has bad days. 

Limit Communication with your Ex 

This is a very important thing that you can do to begin feeling better faster.  If you have children, this may be slightly more difficult, but it is certainly not impossible.  Communication with your ex should only be for emergencies or planning time with your children.  Besides these two things, limit your communication as much as possible and don’t be tempted to call or text.  Learning to live without your ex in any way will jumpstart the healing process. 

Constantly Improve Yourself 

Never give up on who you are and what your ideal self is comprised of.  Perhaps you let go of some core beliefs or interests as a result of your previous relationship.  Don’t allow yourself to go any further in your life without addressing the things that you wish to improve upon.  It could be as simple as changing your look, or as complex as taking on a new course of study at the university.  Work on improving yourself and you will be grateful that you did down the road. 

This post was contributed by Katie Wilson, who writes about the masters in criminal justice online. She welcomes your feedback at katiewilson06@gmail.com   

Looking after No. 1

So many people are so busy looking after other people or building careers that they forget to look after themselves. But if you don’t look after yourself who will?

 

Take some time to look after YOU. After all, if you’re feeling great you’ll be better placed to look after others or do a good job.

 

10 Ideas for Looking after YOU:

 

1. Have a massage

2. Go to the hairdressers or get a manicure

3. Curl up and read a good book

4. Listen to your favourite CD or watch your favourite film (uninterrupted)

5. Have dinner with a friend

6. Do something silly!

7. Take 15 minutes to think about all the good things in your life and really appreciate them.

8. Go away for the weekend (without the kids)

9. Go for a long walk in the country/by the sea/in the woods/by a river

10. Have a girl’s lunch/watch football or rugby or cricket with the boys

 

Looking after yourself helps you to increase your positive thoughts. Don’t forget when you’re having a great time to take ‘time out’ to appreciate it and really enjoy it.

 

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ Buddha

Divorce Fairs

I’ve just read that the UK’s second Divorce Fair is to take place in Leicester in June.  More details here. 

 

The first Divorce Fair took place in Brighton (The Starting Over Show) and was a real success.  There was some criticism before the event, with people worried that the show would encourage people to get divorced but after the show the comments were generally good. 

 

The show was all about providing support and advice to people who were already going through a divorce.   The atmosphere was lovely and I believe that the professionals provided some much-needed support and encouragement to the people who attended.  The professionals included divorce coaches, divorce lawyers, independent financial advisors, and image consultants.  Relate and Wikkivorce were also there.

 

Anna Pasternak (Daisy Dooley Does Divorce, The Daily Mail) was there and Francine Kaye (The Divorce Doctor) ran a workshop.

 

I believe that Divorce Fairs are a positive thing – anything that can make a divorce less stressful must be good.  The cost for the Starting Over Show was £5 and I understand that the event in Leicester is to be free.

 

What do you think – are divorce fairs a good idea?

Common Divorce Worries

Divorce is stressful.  There is the stress of the unknown – Will you have to sell the house?  How will you cope alone?  How will you manage financially?  Will you be able to come to amicable arrangements about the children?  Your emotions are all over the place and you are having to deal with the practical stuff too. 

 

If it was your decision to leave you wonder if you’ve done the right thing?  If you’re the one who has been left you wonder what went wrong.  Remember the one who has left has had longer to prepare and will be further forward emotionally – If you are the one who made the decision then allow your ex time to catch up with you.  If the divorce has come as a shock to you then allow yourself time to come to terms with what’s happened.

 

One of the biggest worries about divorce is how you will cope financially.  Splitting up usually means less money for both parties.  So you need to learn how to live on a smaller budget, to ‘cut your cloth’ accordingly.  I know it sounds awful, especially if you’ve been used to not worrying about money.  But look on the bright side – it’s true what they say about money not making you happy. 

 

It’s amazing what can give you pleasure in life – but you have to learn to become more aware, more receptive to what is good about your life.  I bet, if you put your mind to it, you can find plenty of things to be grateful for.

 

Worrying about your financial situation won’t help.  You need to take control by finding out the facts and moving forward with the divorce.  Find a good solicitor, research what your rights are and make sure you get your ‘fair share’.  Don’t let your ex walk all over you because they are more knowledgeable than you are or you think that because they loved you once they will play fair.  Take action and make sure you are focussed and in control. 

 

Take the first step and buy my e-book ‘Managing Money through Divorce’ at http://tinyurl.com/ab5bwt

 

The Importance of Encouragement

With thanks to Rachel Green – http://www.rachelgreen.com

Why is it that we don’t affirm people in what they’re doing? Why is it we stand back from giving words of encouragement yet are so quick and ready to criticise? Why is it that we wait until it is too late to tell people we love them, admire them or appreciate them? Why do we not make every day encouragement day? Does it matter? Absolutely yes. When people feel valued, appreciated and acknowledged they are far more likely to maintain their motivation, confidence and willingness to work hard. They will put in a greater effort into a relationship. They will be more emotionally resilient in tough times. If you want more love give more encouragement. The advantages of providing encouragement are many and far reaching. How can you express your appreciation of people, their work, their friendship, their abilities or whatever it is that you value in them? Read on to the tips section to find out. It could revolutionise your relationships and boost your own satisfaction with life.

The TOP TIPS: How to provide encouragement.

Tip 1: Be specific.

Coming up to me after I’ve given a speech and saying “Wonderful speech, thank you” is nice. However, it isn’t informative. In contrast, if you say something like, “Your tip on how to keep your cool when your teenagers are being rude was so helpful, I’m going home to use it,” will be far more delightful. Why? Because the detail shows me that you mean it. The specificity allows me to know exactly what has helped. Thus, I am encouraged to use this tip when preparing future speeches. Finally, I feel heard. I have been told exactly what has been understood and taken away from my speech. This means I know that I have got my message across. And that is what matters to me. It doesn’t matter half so much whether I had a pretty dress on, or whether I was “wonderful”. What matters to me is whether I’ve done something valuable and inspired people to change what they’re doing. Specific feedback is much more believable and useful than a general statement. Give specific encouragement.

Tip 2. Say how a person is different.

I remember a time when one of my close friends and I were discussing our relationship, which had gone on for a long time. He said to me, “Do you know what I really appreciate about you, it’s the fact that you have your own starter motor. You’ll take the initiative. I don’t need to sit at home wondering whether you need me, I know you’ll phone and tell me. I really like that about you, it’s different from other people I know, who somehow expect me to mind read them”. I had no idea I did this, nor that it mattered. I also had failed to appreciate prior to this that this was something specific and special about me. Doesn’t everyone do this? I’d just taken it for granted. When you tell a person how they stand out from the crowd it can be very affirming and encouraging. It is also educational and helpful in a person’s self development. We all have our blind spots and need others to help fill them in for us. Simple encouragement can do this.

Tip 3. Be generous in giving words of encouragement.

How often do you tell your partner, your children, your boss, your mother, your assistant, what you appreciate about them? Is it once a year on your wedding anniversary or at a performance review, or on a monthly or daily basis? Regularly encourage, appreciate and value the people in your life. Don’t wait for a disaster, crisis or anniversary before you do. Develop an attitude of gratitude towards the people around you and share it with them. When you do, everyone benefits. You’ll feel good and so will they.

Tip 4. Spend time noting what you appreciate.

It’s so easy to find fault in people and yet this can be of little value to you or others. All it does is develop a negative mind set in yourself, and negativity and a lack of self-confidence in others. When you look for the good things in people and tell them what you appreciate, then you are helping yourself as well as them. Why? Because your own mind starts to find and value the good things in people and your life. And this is where happiness lies. Happiness is to be found in appreciation for what we have, not in what’s missing. By concentrating on what is good about the people we live, work and associate with, we are building happier relationships, stronger friendships and higher levels of trust.

Have you told the people in your life what you appreciate about them? If not, do it today. Tomorrow may never come.

Busy Divorce Coach

I’ve been so busy recently that I haven’t been writing any articles so I’m sorry that my blog has been a bit sparse.  

 

Just to let you know what I’ve been up to:

 

I’ve been organising two teleseminars.  The first one is with Claudette Chenevert, Stepfamily Relationship Coach about the importance of dealing with all the issues arising from your divorce and how it can impact on future relationships if you don’t.  We’re doing this on 11 March 2009.  Details at http://tiny.cc/iVNiH The second one will be with Sharon Vickery, founder of ‘Have Fun Finding the One’ and we will be discussing dating after divorce.  We haven’t set the date yet but it should be taking place in April. 

 

I’ve written two e-books (‘Managing Money through Divorce, which is for sale on my website and ‘Life after Divorce – Are you Ready to Date again?’  as a thank you for people who join my teleseminars).

 

I’ve also started writing an e-course about recovering from divorce, which I anticipate releasing in May.

 

As well as all this I’ve been networking – meeting lots of interesting people and forming alliances and, of course, coaching my lovely clients. 

 

I promise I’ll be writing again soon.  In the meantime I’ll post anything I think is interesting from other people.  Please feel free to post any questions – I will respond.

TV Dinners, Relationships & Obesity

I’ve got a real ‘bee in my bonnet’ about this.  I’ve always said that eating dinner on a tray in front of the TV was a bad thing (and yes, I’m guilty of it myself sometimes).  In doing this we lose the opportunity to sit down as a couple or a family and talk about our day.  Talking about our day is important.  We connect with each other, we know what is going on with each other while we’re apart.  We can get frustrations off our chests and discuss plans for the rest of the week or the weekend.  Spending time talking without the distraction of television is good for relationships.  If you don’t do this already try it for a week and see the difference it makes.

 

However, I discovered recently that TV dinners are also bad for your health.  According to the ‘Fat Doctor’ If you eat in front of the TV you don’t concentrate on what you are eating and you don’t chew your food properly and therefore you are likely to eat more.  Statistics show that eating in front of the TV increases the risk of obesity.

 

So, for the benefit of your health and your relationship please try sitting at the table for dinner and having a conversation.

 

7 Ways to Rediscover Your True Passion After Divorce

I’ve just come across this excellent article by: Joanie Winberg and wanted to share it with you:

 Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person’s life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years. Eventually, you begin to think about dating, but it is suggested that you take your time.

Use this precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. If you have worked outside the home combined with being a mom and wife for the last ten, fifteen or twenty years, you may have lost yourself along the way. Certainly not on purpose, but as most women try to do it all as “super” moms, many times we put our own wants and needs on hold to keep our families and jobs running smoothly!

Take a deep breath and let’s start to rediscover our true passions and say. Will the Real Me Please Stand Up!

1) Treasure Your Gifts Within

Realizing we are all born as “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many women to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list everyday. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent. keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there!

2) Give Yourself A Break

During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many women feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time, such as working overtime or cleaning the house from top to bottom, but let this time also include pampering yourself. For example, barter with a friend or neighbor to watch your children or leave work early to give yourself this needed time. Yes, you do deserve to do something special for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a bath or a walk, going to the mall or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission – it’s O.K. Remember, the happier you are, the happier your family will be!

3) No regrets! No bitterness!

Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what if’s” and “if only’s”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself. are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go! A quote from Buddy Hackett, “I never hold a grudge because while I am being angry, the other person is out dancing.”

4) Enjoy the Little Things

Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday is gone forever and tomorrow’s worries are tomorrow. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life.

So how do we live in the present? If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you. To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull you back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!

5) What Makes Your Heart Sing?

What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them?

Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and why you were put on this earth. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood? Floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own. When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life – body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down.

6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You?

Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” When going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Recognize if your feelings are low energy or high energy.

A few examples of low energy are stress, negativity, fear, resentment, or a sense of lack (lack of time or money) and high energy is joy, abundance, happy, positive, love or compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how do you make a shift to feel more of the high energy?

First, acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having. Be gentle with yourself! Your goal is to make a shift, but realize you might not be able to go from low to high instantly. Start with baby steps! Repeat step number three and become present! Be thankful for what is working in your life right now. Do something simple like pat your pet, smell a flower or, if you are in the office, take a minute to think of a previous fun time or experience you have had that could bring a smile to your face. Feel the shift you are starting to make in your energy.

Now, to amp up this high-energy feeling, think of another time of joy or something you were passionate about in your life. Keep adding these thoughts to your high-energy feeling and begin to feel great!

Does it seem the people or situations around you have changed or is it you who has really changed? So, who has the power to feel their own joy? When you are feeling your high energy, this is the time to take your next inspired action. Enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something with ease and less effort!

7) Be True To Yourself

During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels good or right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily.

Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say yes, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to or have to?

How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes, yet, find yourself having doubts, try this . STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to volunteer or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing might not be right for you. If you are still excited, join the committee and have fun!

Divorce is not easy or fun, but you can make it through this time of your life by realizing you WILL make it! Also, honor yourself and listen to your heart! Your true purpose and passions are waiting to be rediscovered within you! When you have discovered the “gold nugget” you already are, you will start to live your life with more ease and enjoy the feeling of peace. “You are truly free!”

Copyright 2004 by Joanie Winberg. All Rights Reserved. About The Author Joanie Winberg, Certified Business/Life Coach, Certified Laughter Coach and Professional speaker, founder of Success and Life Coaching. Joanie specializes in working with groups of women after divorce and after 50+ years.