Guest Post: 10 Tips for Being Patient with a New Relationship

For some of us, new relationships come with a sense of urgency. We’re eager to reach the next big milestone, especially as we get older. This same feeling of immediacy can cause us to push too hard or come on too strong, putting a strain on the fragile bonds formed in the early days. If you’ve ever been accused of being too intense, here are some tips to ensure that your next relationship isn’t smothered in its infancy.

1. Step Away From the Cell Phone – In our constantly-connected society, it’s      easy to flood a new partner with Facebook wall posts, texts and emails      from a cell phone. While keeping a line of communication open is vital,      it’s equally important to allow a new relationship some breathing room.
2. Spend Time With Friends – Don’t be a cliché by ignoring your friends      in favor of a new honey. If you have a long-standing tradition of poker      with the boys or girl’s night margaritas, keep it. Your friends will be      more likely to accept a mate that doesn’t take up all of your time, and      these outings will give the two of you something to talk about the next      time you get together.
3. Focus On Your Hobbies and Favorite Pastimes – Losing yourself completely in a new      relationship can easily be the kiss of death; your interests and pastimes      are likely a big part of what attracted your new mate. Letting them fall      to the wayside to spend every moment together leaves very little material      for conversation and can cause your lover to feel stifled.
4. Avoid “The Talk” –      It’s natural to wonder where a new relationship is headed, but it’s a good      idea to hold off on having “The Talk” for a while. Letting things develop      naturally can be a bit nerve-wracking, but it’s necessary.
5. Keep It Light –      In the early days of a relationship, it’s best to avoid the heavy plans      for your future and talk of marriage and children. Don’t introduce your      long-term plans when a coupling is new, or it may not last very long.
6. Be Careful With the Booze – There’s a reason why alcohol is also called      “Truth Serum.” One phone call after a night of drinking can undo all of      your cautious work when you’ve just started dating someone.
7. Don’t Change Your Plans – Before you met your new love interest, you      probably had some long-term goals and plans for your future. Avoid the      temptation to change those plans to suit a brand-new relationship; despite      how you feel in the honeymoon phase, there is always a chance that things      won’t work out.
8. Keep Your Priorities Straight – Though it’s difficult in the first blush, try      to keep your priorities in line. Don’t let your new relationship take a      toll on your work or other obligations, as it can very easily cause      resentment when things inevitably begin to cool down and you’re forced to      play catch-up.
9. Don’t Play Mind Games – When things aren’t moving as quickly as      you’d like, don’t resort to passive-aggressive mind games. Slyly      referencing others that are interested in you or the ex that still has      feelings will almost always blow up in your face.
10. Hold Off On Introducing the Family – Even if you have the most welcoming and      interesting family on the planet, your new love interest shouldn’t be      meeting them for a while. Family members will ask questions that you may      not be ready to answer, which will put undue pressure on you both.

No matter how desperately you want to find The One, it’s always best to go with the flow and let things develop naturally. If your new lover feels stifled, they’re more likely to lose interest altogether

Posted with kind permission from Best Dating Sites

Guest Post: 5 Tips about Facebooking after Divorce

It may seem trivial but believe it or not Facebook has a lot of power in your personal life. The rule of the thumb these days, if it’s on Facebook it must be true!  People can misconstrue your posts, pictures and comments. You know by now you want to keep your divorce pain free much as possible. Here are few to keep in mind before jumping online:

Unfriend

Even though you want to take the higher road, it’s best to ‘unfriend’ your former spouse. You may be on amicable terms but allowing he/she to see your personal life isn’t smart and vice versa. Seeing photos of your ex out and about with a new person could hurt you or again vice versa. Once you unfriend avoid blocking them. Blocking on Facebook completely hides your profile. In some cases you may need to do this, but if you can avoid it, don’t do it. Blocking them will only make you seem either uncomfortable or childish in their eyes.

Don’t air your dirty laundry

No matter how much they annoy, frustrate or hurt you, do not mention his or her name or make any references toward them on your page. As soon as you do, it is out there for everyone to see and most likely will be reported right back to your ex, causing unnecessary drama. Most likely everyone knows what happened or at least ‘think’ they know what happened. There are two sides to every story. No need to air your dirty laundry, it’s best to move on and not mention it.

Hold off on making it FBO

Once you start dating and enter a new relationship after your divorce hold off on making it “FBO”, Facebook Official. This means that on your Facebook profile you are linked to your new mates Facebook profile page as well. No matter how the divorce ended it’s best to hold off until you are 100% confident in your new relationship, whether that is 6 months or a year. Many instances, divorcees get into their new relationship and moments later it ends. Be wary of making it FBO, if you break up, everyone knows and people start talking. Take your time.

Picture time

Whether you have one photo of your ex or 42 albums of you and your ex. It’s time to start taking them down. You don’t have to delete them but take them down from Facebook viewers. It is a long process but remember you can use the security settings to hide them from the rest of the pubic and Facebook friends. If children are involved and they are on Facebook, keep in mind it may hurt them to see you take down a photo of them with their parent. Discuss it with them before making a move.

Kids

Whether or not your child is on Facebook, keep in mind that their friends are. Do not do anything that could cause question or concern. Keep your Facebook posts, comments and pictures light and positive. Your children are very sensitive during this time, anything you post can be seen in so many different ways in their eyes. Facebook with care and caution.

 

Author Bio.  Mary Edwards is one of the contributors and editors for best dating sites. She is passionate about thought leadership writing, regularly contributes to various career, social media, public relations, branding, and parenting and online dating community. She can be reached at edwardsmary936 AT gmail.com.

Guest Post: Using a Dating Site after Divorce

It takes time to heal and feel like a whole person again after a divorce.  Even if the divorce was amicable, you definitely need to take some time to find your identity once more.  You are no longer someone’s husband or wife; you are an individual with single relationship status.  Once you give yourself the proper amount of time to grieve and move forward, you may feel ready to get back in the saddle again.  Dating sites can offer the perfect venue for you to meet and date brand new people.

A lot of your friends may still be married or coupled, so it can often be difficult, when you suddenly find yourself single, to be paired up with anyone.  Dating sites certainly can help you branch out and meet people outside of your own circle.  That is often the best part about dating online, since it offers you the opportunity to meet people you normally wouldn’t meet.  But be sure you are absolutely ready before jumping back into the dating pool.  If you are still carrying emotional baggage from your marriage, you should definitely wait before you rush into anything.  Starting to date before you are ready will only set you up for failure.  We all have certain triggers that can be activated when someone new can say or do something that reminds us of our last relationship. Do yourself and your future dates a favor, by making sure you are emotionally and psychological strong enough to start seeing someone new.

Obviously divorce is painful and jumping right into a brand new relationship is probably not healthy for you emotionally.  Find ways to grieve; get support from your friends and family, and most importantly, take time out for yourself.  There is a new relationship on the horizon, and it’s with yourself.  Take yourself on a date so you can feel comfortable in your own skin as a single person.  Only when you are feeling confident and certain that you are ready to start socializing again can you begin to investigate the best dating sites out there and prepare the way for your new dating life.

Once you find someone you’d like to date, take things slowly.  As difficult as it may be, try not to compare this new person to your ex.  Your marriage is over and if you are now feeling confident enough to date, you have to give this new person in your life the benefit of the doubt.  If everything your date says and does reminds you of your ex, perhaps it would be better not to date this person.  You are starting from square one; keep your expectations low and the fun level high.  Things between you and your date don’t have to take a serious turn immediately.  Just go out and enjoy yourself, relax and have some fun.  You deserve it!

 

Author Bio: Debbie Lamedman is highly sought after dating expert. She frequently shares her insights and stories on the dating blog datingsite.org

Guest Post: Journey to a New Normal

One of the most difficult aspects of divorce is that everything changes. During the holidays this can weigh especially heavily as past family rituals and festivities transition into something else, which initially may seem disappointing in comparison.

How can you begin to create celebrations and fresh creative traditions that will serve you and your children as you move into a new phase of life. I was once told that it takes two life cycles to begin healing and settling into your new circumstances.

A life cycle is a full year of holidays, birthdays, vacations and other customary experiences that occur throughout the year. The first year is hard, you and your children will often ‘suffer’ this transition as you struggle to let go of the old and perhaps resist the new.

My first Christmas I had my two children Christmas eve and the following morning. After they left with their dad at noon on Christmas day. I was devastated. I could not stop crying at the thought of spending the day without them. I called my sister, went for a swim and tried my best to take care of myself. But I would be lying if I said that it was not hard; for me, it was enormously difficult.

The second Christmas, I was fine celebrating Christmas eve without them but waking up to a quiet house until noon on Christmas day was as difficult as the year before…again, I struggled.

After those first two years, I found myself enjoying both my eve’s with adults and the freedom to stay out late and celebrate in a different way and my Christmas mornings of leisure to sleep in a little and have fun surprises for them when they arrived. After time, you and your children have will have settled into a new norm and the struggle of the transition will be behind you. In the midst of your struggles, it is helpful to know that you are in a transition and this too shall pass (a favorite saying of mine).

During this time, be creative and you might even get excited about doing things differently and creating new traditions (we have made Christmas day on my year a pajama day…stay home, enjoy our new gifts, quality time and take out or even desert for dinner). What would you like to do differently to begin to shift into your new normal?

About the Author: A Certified Life Coach and founder of KM Life Coaching, Karen’s passion is to work with men and women going through the divorce process to help them navigate the difficulties while creating the life of their dreams.

Guest Post: Negotiating the Holidays after a Divorce

The holidays can be a stressful time for everyone. There are so many obligations to see family and friends, buy gifts, and entertain. If you are a divorced parent, the holidays can be even more stressful as you try to negotiate with your former spouse about when you will get to see the children and how your family will divide its celebrations. If your divorce is fresh, or the split was acrimonious, it may be even more difficult to manage. However, with a little effort and the spirit of compromise, negotiations about holiday celebrations and dividing time spent with children need not be overly complicated or contentious. Here are a few suggestions to keep in mind:

Create a Schedule

One of the easiest ways to ensure that your children can spend time with you and your former spouse, as well as your respective families, is to work together ahead of time to create a schedule. Depending on where your families each live and what your family traditions are, you may decide to split up the day (with your children spending the morning with one of you, then going on to dinner with the other) or you may decide to split time between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (with your children spending one day with one of you and the next day with the other). It is important to be fair in creating your compromise. For example, one parent may feel angry or resentful if assigned to Christmas Eve each year instead of Christmas Day. Make sure time is split equitably and that the most desirable times or days are alternated between each parent from year to year.

Alternate Holidays

If you live in Florida, but your former spouse lives in California, it will be impossible to create a schedule in which you split the day. If travel or other factors prohibit you from dividing the day equitably, consider creating a schedule of alternating holidays. For example, one year, the children may spend Christmas with you and Thanksgiving with your ex, and the next year, the schedule would be reversed.

Hold a Joint Gathering

The best solution to your holiday schedule may be the most difficult for you to implement if you are not on friendly or civil terms with your ex: Hold a joint family gathering. If enough time has passed since your divorce was finalized, or if you have been able to establish a cordial relationship with your former spouse, then this may be the easiest way to enjoy your holidays with your children. You can either host a celebration with your ex and your children, or you can host a larger gathering of extended family and friends in which both you and your ex attend. Either way, you get to both be with your children on this special day without having to watch the clock or move on to the next gathering.

Leave the Kids Out of It

Finally, though it may be tempting to include your children in the holiday planning process, especially if they are older, it’s best to keep your negotiations strictly between you and your former spouse. Asking your children their thoughts on how they would like to spend their holidays may make them feel like they are being asked to choose sides. Even if they don’t feel this way, you may find that asking them the question still results in hurt feelings by you or your ex for not being the chosen parent for the holiday. It is better to stick to an objective schedule that offers the most equitable and fair distribution of time for everyone. You should then focus on encouraging holiday cheer rather. In other words, don’t create awkward silences with your former spouse, avoid creating conflict, and make an effort to be friendly.

What was your first Christmas like after your divorce? Were you able to negotiate an amicable arrangement with your former spouse for spending quality time with your children and family? What are your tips for working out these arrangements? Tell us about your experiences in the comments!

About the author:

Amanda Tradwick is a grant researcher and writer for CollegeGrants.org. She has a bachelor’s degree from the University of Delaware, and has recently finished research on grants for disabled students and nebraska education grants.

Guest Post: A Good Divorce from a Child’s Perspective

I am an emotionally healthy, fulfilled, self aware adult living a happy and productive life. I’m also the daughter of a pair of absolutely delightful people who can’t really stand to be in the same room together. No, I’m not kidding. My parents might just be the two least compatible individuals on the entire planet and yet somehow they managed to successfully produce a tiny person that would grow up to be me without ever coming to blows or getting into any public shouting matches. In fact, for two people that would gladly throw down with each other in The Octagon they did a
pretty impressive job of raising me in an environment that was conflict-free and, as far as childhoods go, pretty dang awesome.

So what was their formula for successfully parenting under the circumstances of divorce? Here are my observations when I recall my
munchkin-hood as the daughter of a pair of average American divorcees.

• My parents never spoke in a derogatory way about each other in front of me.   Looking back I could not be more thankful for
  their restraint. The tension between divorced or divorcing parents is apparent enough to any child and verbalizing it would have compounded my anxiety. Divorce is a grownup conflict and my parents made the decision early on that as a child I would not have to sort out adult issues with my limited perspective. If I needed an answer for why mom and dad were not together, I was given one that essentially left everyone (including myself) blameless.
• My parents split the week 70/30, not 50/50. I had friends in school whose divorced parents were insistent that they split their child’s time down the middle, Solomon-style. My classmates who spent half of their school week with one parents and half with another consistently missed homework assignments, left necessary textbooks at the wrong house, and complained about not getting enough sleep. I feel very fortunate that my parents made the decision to let me spend my entire school week at my mom’s house and weekends with my dad. It made staying organized and on top of my schoolwork easier and it gave me a sense of continuity during the week.
• My parents communicated with each other, never through me. I was never asked to relay messages about grownup things (child support, holiday arrangements, etc.) from one parent to another. I imagine that would’ve been awkward and I’m continually shocked by parents who would as their children to act as a go-between.
• My parents presented a unified disciplinary front. I didn’t like this one much when I was younger, but on reflection it did give me a sense of stability when the rules at dad’s house could be counted on to always jibe with the rules at mom’s house. Sure, my dad let me eat ice cream and French fries for dinner every once in a while but in general rules about chores and homework were always the same. Of course this also meant that if I was grounded at mom’s house, it extended to dad’s house as well. At 13 it was a bummer. At 24 I’m glad they were both on the same page.

“Ain’t nobody perfect” is what my grandfather always told me. My mom and dad were no exception, but they did work hard to ensure that even though they weren’t a happy couple we could still be a happy family. I’m not a counselor or a social worker, but I do speak from experience as someone who had a wonderful childhood and a great pair of divorced parents. If you’re a parent who is divorced or going through a divorce, I hope that you take away something positive from my experience as a child and can put it to good use for your own family.

 

Bio.  Megan Breaux is a humorist and advice blogger from Louisiana. Her parents are very proud of how she turned out, but they still
can’t stand each other. Ah, c’est la vie.

Guest Post There’s no place like home……but where is home for your children?

With the opening of borders across Europe and the recent growth of the internet and cheap travel, it is becoming increasingly common for children to have parents who are of different nationality to one another.   However, should the parents separate, what happens if one parent wants to return to their home country with the child?

This is a question I am frequently asked as a family lawyer and it is understandably a highly emotive issue between parents.  Should a parent leave the country with their child without the other parent’s consent they could face criminal charges for child abduction.  Therefore consent
is essential and if it is not forthcoming from the other parent you will need to apply to the court for a judge to decide.

When the court considers whether such a move with the child should be allowed, the child’s welfare is paramount and the court will apply what is known as the welfare checklist.  The checklist includes factors such as the physical, emotional and educational needs of the child, the wishes and feelings of the child, the capability of the parent to meet the child’s needs and the likely effect on the child.  The proposed arrangements need to be considered carefully and the greater part the parent who would be left behind plays in the child’s life, the greater impact/damage upon the child if the move is allowed.

If you wish to make the move with your child, preparation and research is imperative.  Also focus on how your child’s relationship with their other parent can be maintained if the move is allowed.  The court needs to be sure that the proposed move is genuine, realistic and above all in the child’s best interests.

It is a very difficult issue with many factors to consider.  Whether you are the parent wishing to make the move or the parent opposing the
move, early legal advice is essential.

This was a guest post by Patricia Robinson Senior Associate at divorce solicitorsPannone LLP. For more information visit
their website at http://www.pannone.com/.

Guest Post: Five Things Divorcing Parents of a Special Needs Child Should/Should Not Do

Divorce is a very difficult time for all members of a family, but it may be more so for a child with special needs. In order for children with disorders or disabilities to feel safe and cared-for, they must always be in a loving, caring environment. Whereas other children may find it easier to understand why their parents don’t get along, special needs children will need extra care during this time of conflict. For this reason, divorcing parents should constantly be aware of their behavior around their special needs child. Although this will require a lot of effort from the divorcing parents, it is what it best for their child. Here are five things you should/should not do.

1. Do not fight in front of your child: as with all children, special needs children will feel helpless and frightened when their parents argue in front of them.  The stress of the argument could negatively impact your child’s emotional and physical health causing nervousness and even gastrointestinal problems.
2. Do not become so wrapped up in the divorce, you forget to give your child the attention and care they require: this applies to all divorcing parents, but the role of a parent with a special needs child is especially important as the child often needs their parents to keep up with medications, therapies and doctor appointments on a regular basis.
3. Do continue to work together on your child’s plan of care: too often, one of the divorcing parents becomes the bearer of all care after the divorce, creating a lot of stress for that parent. It is wise to create a plan of care for each parent before the separation, so that each parent understands their role in the child’s life.
4. Do determine who your child will live with. For some special needs children (especially those with developmental disorders), it can be difficult for them to transition from one parent’s home for a few nights to another parent’s home for a few nights. Special needs children find comfort in familiar environments.  Moving them from home to home may create a feeling of instability and confusion.
5. Don’t let the divorce affect your well-being: special needs children need the help of their parents for a lot longer than other children. For this reason, it is important that you find the time to take care of your health, as well. Divorce can often create a perfect reason to drink excess alcohol, eat excess food and not exercise. However, for the sake of your child’s well-being, you must continue to take care of yourself during this difficult time and throughout the rest of your life.

Bio.  Denise Keene has been a Special Ed teacher for 15 years now and likes to write articles about various related topics. She also owns the site ‘Masters in Special Education’

Guest Post: How Long Should You Wait before dating?

A couple of generations ago, when people got married they’d generally stay married for the rest of their lives. For better or worse, that’s not always the case today. Some estimates suggest 40 percent or more of couples will end up divorcing within ten years of their marriage. Even so, being divorced doesn’t mean one is doomed to live a life without love. Many divorced people end up finding love and getting married again.

One of the most important things people should do before dating again is simply take the time to heal. Divorce can be a painful and traumatic process and it isn’t  wise to jump into a new relationship afterward before one is ready. Some people start dating shortly after a divorce because they’re sad and feel incomplete without other people in their lives romantically. You don’t need to earn a PhD to know this is almost always a bad idea. If the dates don’t go well, you could end up feeling worse than you did before and add to the wounds that haven’t healed from your divorce.

It’s common to wait a few years after a divorce to start dating. It may seem like a long time to wait, but keep in mind the scope of the change you’re facing in the wake of a divorce. Making sure you’re completed healed from your separation, or at least ready to pursue new relationships, just takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different, and if you’re wondering if you’re ready to start dating again, the only person who can decide is you. Ask yourself:

Am I completely over my former spouse?

Am I comfortable bringing someone new into my life?

Do I feel comfortable bringing someone around my children?

If you answered no to any of the above questions, then you may not be ready to date yet. Some people feel as though they’ll never ready to date, and that’s OK. If you feel that way, there’s no rush to take any plunges.  However, when you do feel ready to date again, you could probably use some advice:

1. Develop a support group. Dating is a lot easier when you have a group of supportive friends and family.

2. Asses your self-worth. Make a list of your positive qualities. Realize that you’re special and you deserve a healthy relationship with someone wonderful.

3. Plan activities. Make a list of activities you want to do with potential partners.

4. Prepare for pitfalls. If the first couple of dates don’t go well, you shouldn’t let it get you down. Be willing to give someone (and yourself) another chance, or if it doesn’t feel right, to break it off and move on.

Life after a divorce can be lonely, but fortunately it’s always possible to find love another time around. However, it’s very important you take the time out to heal before you start dating again. There’s never any rush, and when you’re ready, you’ll know.

Bio: Marina Salsbury planned on becoming a teacher since high school, but found her way instead into online writing after college. She writes around the Web about everything from education to exercise.

Guest Post: How to start Online Dating after a Divorce

After a tough relationship, jumping into the dating game can be a little daunting. The internet is full of opportunities to meet single people, but it can be tough to navigate without some good dating advice. The internet dating world can be strange or unusual at times, but the sheer number of new people you can meet is pretty amazing.  Online dating gives you the option to choose what characteristics you would like in your significant other. You can meet people based on common interests, location, age, income, or any other type of criteria that you specify. Being  matched with a like-minded person helps get the conversation started, but it doesn’t always guarantee a good match. Here are 3 different types of dating sites that people who have gone through a divorce might consider:

Niche Sites

If you have a specific interest or hobby, there most likely has been a site specifically created for people with this interest. These “niche sites” offer the chance to meet other single parents, people interested in fitness, or people who really love a sport like golf. If a potential dater MUST meet specific criteria for you to pursue them, this type of site might be for you. Larger mainstream dating sites give you the opportunity to search by an interest or characteristic, but there won’t be as big of an audience as with these niche sites. Niche sites like these are almost always “pay to join”, so you might not be able to give them a test run before you pay. You also might want to enquire about how many members there are in your local area, BEFORE you pay. Sometimes these sites can get pretty specific, so making sure there are enough people in your local area to actually date is important.

Free Dating Sites

There are an abundance of free sites that let you access all features, but are crammed full of advertising. The benefits of large free sites like ‘Plenty of Fish’ or ‘Mingle2’, is that you can test them out without having to use your credit card. It gives you the opportunity to see if online dating is compatible with YOU. The negative of a site like this is that many of these people are not very serious about finding a perfect match. They may
have signed up out of boredom, because it’s free and they have nothing to lose. You might not get a good response rate as you would with a paid site like ‘eHarmony’. If you are interested in a serious relationship, a paid site will be most likely to match you with a person that is committed to finding a good match.

Paid Membership Sites

High quality membership sites have their advantages because they have certain standards to qualify. Many of them do not accept all applicants and even do background checks. It can be easy to present a false persona on dating sites, so this screening process can allow you to feel secure
that these people are who they say they are. This can be particularly important for safety reasons or if you have kids. Making sure that a match does not have any type of criminal record or sorted past is important before you make a face to face meeting. The main drawback to a paid dating site is the cost. The cost can vary from site to site, but range from $100 to $200 for a 3 month membership.

For people that are trying to get their feet wet after a divorce, a paid site is likely to be the best fit. It might be expensive, but this fee will weed out a lot of the riff-raff. It helps make sure that members are committed to the process of finding a mate. Free sites can attract casual users that won’t take it seriously. If you are looking to meet a quality person, that fits your criteria and is serious about dating, a paid membership is your best bet.

Jeremy Simms maintains the website Chat Rooms Online. The site is community driven and has areas for chat and relationship advice.