Divorce does not mean you are a Failure

Recent research by a dating site www.fifties.com has revealed that 60% of people who went through divorce at 50+ said that the feeling of failure was the most difficult thing to come to terms with.  

This figure astounded me.  At a time when approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce why should you feel that you have failed?  Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not a failure because you are divorced.  

So your marriage didn’t work out.  It’s not all your fault; after all it takes two to tango!  It is rarely the fault of one person when a relationship breaks down.  Something changed.  You fell out of love, you realised there was more to life, maybe you had both changed over the years.  Sometimes one partner leaves and the other had no idea there was anything wrong with the marriage, that partner is often devastated and becomes bitter and angry, not acknowledging that they have done anything to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage.  Sometimes one partner really is completely blameless, if that is the case then you are better off without someone who does not value you. 

Feeling like a failure will stop you from moving on.  Ask yourself why you feel like this.  Were you 100% to blame?  What is about the marriage ending that makes you feel you have failed?  Is it rational to feel like a failure?

Instead of feeling like a failure make a decision to put it down to experience.  Put it behind you and start living again.  In NLP terms ‘there is no failure, only feedback’ so what did you learn.  What frustrated you about being married?  What would you like to have done differently?  Did you give up dreams, aspirations, hobbies?  We often sacrifice things when we get married and start a family.  What could you do now that you couldn’t do when you were married?

So, stop feeling that you have failed and start living again.

Channel 4 Documentary

Channel 4 are currently researching making a documentary for their ‘Cutting Edge’ series about couples who are divorcing but still living in the same house.  If you are in that situation they would like to talk to you and perhaps feature you in the documentary. If you are interested please e-mail me:  annie.oneill@newhorizons.uk.com

Living together during Divorce

Unfortunately, in these times of recession, more and more couples are having to stay living in the same house even though they’ve split up and may be going through a divorce. This can increase the stress of going through a divorce to unbearable levels.

There are a few things you can do to try and make sharing a house more bearable.

Firstly, set some boundaries.   Think about what really isn’t acceptable to you and sit down together to share your thoughts and decide what the boundaries are.  Some of the things you may want to consider are:

Childcare

Agree who will do what so that the children have a routine.  Agree equal division of babysitting (evenings and weekends) so that you both get some ‘me’ time.  Don’t argue in front of the children and don’t expect them to take sides.  You are both still their parents and it is not fair to ask them to choose.

Division of Labour.

Agree to keep the house clean and tidy and to do equal shares of household chores (including gardening and diy).  If you are trying to sell the house this is especially important.

Use of space in the house.

Some couples live totally separately, dividing the rooms between them and even having separate cupboards and fridges in the kitchen and timetables for the use of the kitchen and bathroom.   If there are no children involved this is OK as long as you both agree it.  When there are children it is better to try to continue to use the house as before and just have separate bedrooms.

Social Life.

How often will you both go out?  Do you want to know if each other are dating again?  Do you invite friends to the house?

Respect.

If you have to share a house it will be easier if you show each other respect.  Don’t bring dates home and don’t roll in late/drunk and wake the other one up.   If you know something really annoys the other don’t do it.  Silly little things can be blown up out of all proportion and increase the stress of the situation.

If you have difficulty in agreeing these things it may be worth considering mediation.

It is important to try and move on with your life.  Make sure that you have at least one and preferably two nights a week where you can have some ‘me’ time.  Make sure you get away from the house and the stresses of the situation for at least a couple of hours.  Join a club or an exercise class, go to the cinema, go to night school and learn something new or meet up with a friend.  The important thing is that you have some time to yourself, time to relax.

Try and find a divorce recovery workshop (http://www.drw.org.uk) in your area.  They are free and a fantastic resource for anyone going through a divorce.

There are bound to be times when you get angry or upset, after all divorce is one of the most stressful things you can experience in life.  Find some coping techniques for dealing with these emotions.   Think about what triggers these feelings.  Once you start to notice the triggers you will have more control.  When you feel yourself getting into a ‘state’ take some deep breaths and think about being calm.  There are several NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) techniques that can help you to take control of your emotions and deal with difficult situations.  It may well help to work with an NLP Practitioner.  There are also lots of self-help books you can read to help you.

If it is something your ex does that upsets you then talk to them about it and set some boundaries about it.

If you have to share a house it will be easier and less stressful for you both if you can do so amicably.

Top Tips for staying Positive

Inspired by Mr Positive! aka David Boufford but ‘tweaked’ by me. Mr Positive sends me daily inspirational quotes and monthly newsletters and you can subscribe to him here. 

1.  Turn off the news (if something really important happens you’ll find out).

2.  Find and indulge in your passions (Ask yourself “what brings me joy?” then do it.)

3.  Always see the glass as ‘half full’ (look for solutions/opportunities where others see  problems).

4.  Find peace (Pray/meditate/find a Spiritual path that resonates with you and practice it). You don’t have to be religious to be spiritual. Meditation allows your subconscious to find solutions to your problems.

5.  Saturate your mind with positive books, quotes, music and self-talk. (If you need a list to get you started let me know and I’ll provide one).

6.  Stay connected to positive people and get rid of the negative people in your life.

7.  Keep a gratitude journal (write about all the good in your day).

8.  Learn to love yourself.   Appreciate your good qualities, believe it when people pay you compliments, relax and enjoy your own company, make the most of your life.

Shine

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others” 

This is a quote from ‘Return to Love’ by Marianne Williamson.  You don’t have to be religious to appreciate what she is saying.  This is my interpretation of the quote – other people may interpret it differently.  I’d love to hear what you think about it.

Sometimes we stop ourselves from reaching our full potential because we are subconsciously afraid of what might happen if we do.  We put obstacles in the way, find excuses for delay, don’t take the first step because everything might change if we do.  Have you even really thought about what you would like to achieve and if you have, do you believe that it is possible?  Or are you sabotaging yourself before you have even begun to plan your journey?

If you don’t achieve your full potential, who are you cheating?  As children we’re often taught to be modest but what does that achieve?  We should all let our light shine by acknowledging the things we are good at.  It is no good ‘hiding your light under a bushel’ – if you’re good at something then let others know and this gives them permission to tell you what they are good at.  This way we learn how we can help each other. 

Have you noticed how confident people attract other people to them?  (Confident, not Arrogant).  Their confidence rubs off, they make other people feel important and encourage them to open up.  They are giving others permission to shine by shining themselves.  They will encourage others in their dreams or inspire them to strive to achieve their potential.

Everyone has it in them to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and/or fabulous.  So what are you hiding under a bushel?  How can you shine?  What do you need to do to move you closer to being that brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous person?

 If you shine, you will each allow others to shine.  Wouldn’t it be a great world if everyone could shine?

Looking after No. 1

So many people are so busy looking after other people or pursing careers that they forget to look after themselves. But if you don’t look after yourself who will?

Take some time to look after YOU. After all, if you’re feeling great you’ll be better placed to look after others or do a good job. We all lead busy lives and often we don’t take the time to look after ourselves but it is important to take time out and concentrate on yourself now and again. It isn’t selfish to take care of yourself.

Looking after yourself helps you to increase your sense of well-being. Don’t forget when you’re having a great time to take ‘time out’ to appreciate it and really enjoy it.

10 Ideas for your ‘time out’:

1. Have a massage

2. Go to the hairdressers/get a manicure (men too)

3. Curl up and read a good book

4. Listen to your favourite CD or watch your favourite film (uninterrupted)

5. Have dinner with a friend

6. Do something silly!

7. Take 15 minutes to think about all the good things in your life and really appreciate them.

8. Go away for the weekend (without the kids)

9. Go for a long walk in the country/by the sea/in the woods/by a river

10. Have a girl’s lunch/watch football or rugby or cricket with the boys

Eat Pray Love

A brilliant book – Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert is the author’s account of her (physical and spiritual) journey following her bitter divorce and disastrous rebound fling.  She travels to Italy (Eat), India (Pray) and Indonesia (Love). 

Whilst in India she realises that Destiny is “a play between divine grace and wilful self-effort.  Half of it you have no control over; half of it is absolutely in your hands, and your actions will show measurable consequence.” 

With regard to increasing the odds of finding contentment she says:  “I can decide how I spend my time, who I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with.  I can select what I eat and read and study.  I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life – whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can’t rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I’m feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook).  I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others.  And most of all I can choose my thoughts.”  She comes to this realisation after a friend says:  “If you want to control things in your life work on the mind.  That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.  Drop everything else but that.  Because if you can’t learn to master your thinking, you’re in deep trouble forever.”

The book is being made into a film starring Julia Roberts and is due for release in 2011.  It remains to be seen whether the film is true to the book. 

Go for it!

It is important to take responsibility for our thoughts and actions.    Nobody else is responsible for your happiness or your feelings, as you are not responsible for the happiness of others or the way they feel.

Many people laugh at ‘The Law of Attraction’ (LOA) but it is true that we attract what we think about.  If you pay attention to what is wrong in your life then your life will be full of things going wrong.  If you pay attention instead to what is working you will notice the good things.  Every day take time to notice what is good in your life.  Notice what has worked, what has gone well, where you have succeeded, what your friends value about you, what has made you smile, etc.  When you look for the good and think about what you do want then good things are more likely to happen. 

Be clear about what you want. Create a vivid picture of the future you desire and believe it can be yours.  Then decide what steps you need to take to achieve that future and take them.   It isn’t easy, it won’t just happen because you want it to.  You will have to work hard to achieve your goals but if you are focussed on what you want and willing to take action it is possible.  If the goal seems too daunting then break it down into smaller steps and move towards your ultimate goal one step at a time.

Pre-Nuptial Agreements – For or Against?

Recent reports in the media state that more couples are signing pre-nuptial agreements although ‘pre-nups’ are not yet legally binding in England and Wales.

There are arguments for and against pre-nuptial agreements. On the one hand it’s a way of safeguarding the assets that you had before you met your fiancée. On the other hand, why would you marry someone you had so little trust in? It almost smacks of expecting the marriage to fail. Then again, with the failure rate of marriage at approximately 45% perhaps it is just a wise precaution.

How do you feel if you’ve met the love of your life, you’ve had a wonderful romance, they’ve asked you to marry them and then they handed you a pre-nup to sign? It’s not very romantic is it? Would you feel that they didn’t trust you, maybe don’t really love you? Would it feel like they were just going into the marriage thinking that if it doesn’t work they can always divorce you? What about their commitment to you?

I’m a fairly practical individual and on the whole I don’t think I’d mind being asked to sign a pre-nup as long as I was given plenty of time before the wedding to have it checked by a lawyer, it was fair to both parties and had provisions for any children of the marriage.

How would you feel if you were asked to sign a pre-nuptial agreement? Would you be upset and indignant or would you accept that, in these days where people marry later in life and already have assets, it is only fair that you should be able to protect what you have worked hard for.

Pre-nuptial agreements are not just for the rich and famous – they are for anyone who has assets that they want to protect. What do you think – a good idea or a bad idea?

Loving again after Divorce

I was recently asked if it is true that everyone must have a ‘rebound’ relationship, one that helps restore confidence but is short lived.  I replied that I didn’t think there had to be a rebound relationship, although it is quite common.

For some people a rebound relationship is just what they need (as long as they are aware that is what it is).  A fun, ‘no ties’ relationship which will help to reassure them they are attractive and fun to be with while not committing themselves to settling down again.  As long as both parties are aware this is all it is no one gets hurt.  A rebound relationship can be great fun, you get to experience new things and feel good about yourself.  However, if only one of you is aware it is a ‘fling’ some one can get hurt and that’s not fair.  Make sure you’re both aware of the level of commitment you are offering. If the other person seems to be taking it more seriously you must explain how you feel and break it off before they get hurt.

For some people a ‘fling’ is something they would never be comfortable with and that’s fine too.  It’s OK to take things slowly, get to know someone well before making any commitment or having a sexual relationship.  If someone is serious about you they will respect your feelings as long as you make it clear what they are!

In any relationship you do need to talk about what you want.

If you are unsure about how to develop a new relationship there are a few questions you can ask yourself:

• What will happen if I do?
• What will happen if I don’t?
• What won’t happen if I do?
• What won’t happen if I don’t?
• What is the worst that can happen?
• What am I looking for in a new relationship?

As you may know from my previous articles and blogs, I do believe you should learn to love yourself before you try to love anyone else.  So do spend some time alone, learning about yourself and what you want from life.

Everyone is different and will find love at a different pace and in a different way.  Some may actively look for love by using internet dating, speed dating or dating ‘clubs’.  Others may meet people by taking up new hobbies, learning new skills or joining dance classes or sports clubs.  Others meet by accident at parties or even in a bus queue (yes, I do know someone who met a boyfriend this way).

It doesn’t matter how long it takes or how you meet them as long as it feels right for you.